New Agency

We met with our new social worker this past Friday, Erin Ginn from UCan. Tell everyone you know thinking about adoption to call her - we loved her right away. When our other case worker came it always felt like I was talking to my boss or the cops. Erin was really friendly and really easy to talk to (I'm sure I liked her because she laughed at all my jokes). In our opinion LCFS was pushing interstate adoption on us, and when we sat with Erin she said in state, out of state, on Mars, she'd help us get there - whatever we wanted.

Interestingly, a woman on my TNT team said she had a similar encounter with LCFS when she called them to ask about adoption, and because of that chose not to continue with them. Lutherans! They're probably Swedish too!

She took a some info and we signed more papers, and she will put in a request to get our home study documentations so we dont have to go through all of that again. Our home study should be done by now - a couple weeks ago our LCFS caseworker told us she was just waiting for her supervisor to sign off on it. I asked Erin if it was like Allstate and she would break up with our other agency for us, and she said we didn't have to tell them anything if we didnt want to. They should get the hint when the request for the homestudy comes. But I sent her an email anyway, and she is on vacation for two weeks. I'm sure its deserved - but she could have let us know if our homestudy was completed! It made me really feel like switching to UCan was the right thing to do.

Also, they have kids if we are ready. Jerry's face was priceless when she said they have kids that may need a home, they are 2, 3 and 4. I thought he was going to pass out. We politely declined. But it was such a difference - LCFS told us just to go online and find kids and report back, and try to narrow the search because they didnt want to have to be sending our home study over and over and over a million times. Not only is UCan pretty much saying they have IL kids, but they dont care if they have to send out 20 home studies, if thats what we want they will do it. Another thing, we paid close to $2000 for all of the licensing and homestudy, which we knew was free if we went right to DCFS. We opted to pay to have someone do it rather than risk doing it wrong. Apparently UCan does not charge. Erin was very surprised to hear we had paid so much. Sometimes I wonder why I was so quick to settle on LCFS, but I really didn't know where else to go.

At work, when I talk to potential landlords they tell me all the time, "i didnt know anything about the billboard business." So I have to assure them that no one does, only a select handful of weirdos such as myself. And so if they made a bad deal in the past, or could have gotten more money, they shouldn't feel bad or regretful. I find myself in a similar situation, because who knows anything about adopting from DCFS? Plenty of people told me they had adopted once they found out we were, but not from DCFS. So I just have to be happy that eventually we did find Erin (she was recommended to us by a couple we met at our PRIDE training).

So, really we are ready to look and be considered. The home study should be handed over without incident, it just might take some time. In the interim, we can still be considered and we can still search and if we find children that we think would be a good fit, we can apply. So everything seems to be going along well and we should have a match soon. Unless by some miracle Jerry actually does become pregnant...

Hold on to your kids

We received our DCFS license yesterday. After all the work and classes and home visits and begging our friends to write up good references (and forget that I said when kids fly they should go in crates like pets in the cargo hold)...its here. And actually, it was rather anti-climactic.

I think I expected something more official looking. Unfortunately the whole web-intelligence thing passed me by and I don't know how to post a pic here. I thought it would look like the licenses that come from IDPR - blue with a nice border and all official looking. Even the reprint of my birth certificate from Cook County looks more official. Its a flimsy piece of paper off a dot matrix printer. In fact, it looks more like a voucher. I suppose I can go redeem it now for up to three children. Jerry said since everything is on the internet, we'll have to go to the kid shopping website and redeem it - he said we'll probably click on the kid, put them in the shopping cart, checkout...

Jokes aside, its a relief. The homestudy is not completed yet, but this is a major hurdle to clear. We are licensed to adopt up to three kids from 0 - 18. Jerry schwitzes at the thought of one. It's not like I am helping the situation - I've decided to go part time at Van Wagner so I can teach classes at Westwood, and I'll be starting my PhD program on August 23. Something is going to have to go, for sure, but its kind of fun hearing him tell me that I don't understand how much work children will be. As my mom says, you don't know until you know, but seriously - I do come from a family that thinks procreation is a hobby.

I contact the agency we had planned on switching to and the social worker was on vacation. So hopefully she will get in touch with us this week. We want to just meet with her first to get all the facts straight and make sure that what we've been told by her, her agency, her other clients, etc, is all in line with what we want. It seems like they make up the rules as they go. I do feel guilty leaving LCFS...until I remember that we paid $1700 to get licensed. There is an application fee at the beginning of $150, and then some other fee of $350, and the homestudy fee is $1200. (The Fed does give a tax credit but its so complicated I think TaxACT won't cut it this year).

Anyway, despite Jerry's paranoia and my being a brat, we are very excited. Unfortunately Friday Jerry and his mom had to put Toby down, he had internal bleeding and it turned out his liver was addled with tumors - really nothing could be done at that point. Poor guy - he was a really good dog. So the license was some much needed good news after a very sad weekend.

Til next time.

Kid Shopping

Last Wednesday was our final meeting with our social worker! The purpose of the last meeting is to discuss Jerry and I as a couple and what we want for our children. "Not to be a goof" is apparently not a good enough answer.

She asked questions about how we met and how long we have been together, why we feel we get along so well and such. Then she asked what values did we want to instill in our children, what kind of people did we want them to be. That's not a simple answer! You cant just say, "to be good people" either. They want you to elaborate. I think we are pretty much in line with what we want and we both struggle with the same thing, and that is how to have a kid that appreciates stuff. Nowadays kids get so much crap - toys and clothes and video games - the consumerist society that we live in really has changed the way kids grow up. I had friends who had everything and friends who had nothing and those, like me, who were in between. Part of it was really unconscious though, besides my parents telling me not to be a goof it was also growing up in a working class neighborhood and watching my parents work hard and save and do the best they could. I think we are doing the same. At least I won't have to worry about setting a good example when it comes to school...

So she said she is approving our license - and we will get it in the mail in 2 - 3 weeks. The actual license is different than the home study - which were all these meetings and trainings and everything. She has to write that up and make it an official report. Also she is tidying up the file, making sure we have everything and what we did submit looks good. When we do see kids we're interested in, their social worker will get this home study and can help determine if we are a match. The home study won't be completed for 4 - 6 more weeks. So about the beginning of August it will all be in place and if we had children in mind, theoretically we could then start the process then and potentially have kids in the home before the holidays.

But none of it is ever that easy, and we are switching agencies so that will add some time. So we really have no time expectations yet. Kind of like getting or being pregnant - ONLY I CANT EAT MORE!!!!

Illinois - dont say the "s" or we'll kick your a"ss"

so May 22 was our last class. it really was 2 hours of nothing. people brought donuts and bagels and we had a "presenter" who was there to talk about medical benefits and mental health services. but instead if describing who she was, where she worked and what the state had to offer, she launched in to details as if we already had children and were familiar with the system. whatever. by that point i was just so ready to be done with the classes, and thank you Theresa for having a giant party for us later that night (May 22 was also her wedding day - SO beautiful and SO much fun!).

We met another couple who was with a different agency that had quite different information than we had. This was common throughout the training - no two agencies seemed to have the same information. With the exception of one very important detail - Illinois adoptions. We had been told that adopting in Illinois was exceptionally complicated because the state very rarely terminates parental rights. The goal is always reunification with the parents, which we understood. We would have to be willing to foster first, and if the child became eligible for adoption during that period, we would be given the opportunity. But at any time the child could be reunited with their parents. There is a six month waiting period before the child can legally be adopted anyway, regardless of where the child comes from. The difference with out of state adoption is that the parental rights of those children have already been terminated - in most other states its a lot easier and faster to do that. Compounding this, according to our agency (LCFS), is that in Illinois children must be placed within the zip code they come from. So depending on where you live, there could be lots of kids or you could wait years for kids. And so our social worker said that we could wait a long time, and then the kid could never become eligible for adoption. Good for the kid! I am happy they will be reunited with their parents. But we are trying to build a family and so this is contrary to our goals.

I asked our trainers what was the deal with this zip code thing, and if it was true. They looked at me like I was crazy. They said that they do try and keep children close to the areas that they come from, and that there are certain neighborhoods that are targeted for foster family recruitment. This is because in certain neighborhoods the amount of children needing homes far outweighs those available, and they don't want to have to additionally burden a child with such a dramatic change. Feel how you want about it, its just the way it is. So I asked specifically, i am in Des Plaines, am I limited to kids from Des Plaines - further, we have two zip codes so I am I limited to my section. They said no - unless my part of Des Plaines has been classified as a target zone and I am willing to take a child from somewhere else, I can.

So we had lunch with another couple that day and they told us they were very surprised to hear about this whole zip code thing - they had been offered a new baby from 20 miles away from where they lived! They gave us the card from their social worker (from UCan) and we called her - and she confirmed it. Their social worker said they try and keep children within 10 miles of where they came from, but like our trainers said the zip code thing is for target zones. The termination of parental rights issue was correct - but children come from different homes. A woman who has had 5 kids all taken away and is now giving birth to her 6th probably will not keep the baby. It sounds harsh but its a good example. She said she could place children with us that are on a path to adoption - while she can never guarantee they will be adopted, we can minimize risk.

So after all the training was over we called our social worker and told her all we had heard. She maintained the whole same zip code thing. She also kind of seemed defensive, and Jerry got the impression she was telling us if we wanted to go elsewhere, go ahead. But its hard to change agencies right in the middle of everything - and LCFS has no obligation to hand over our file. So the social worker from UCan suggested we complete our licensing with LCFS, and once we have a license to giver her a call and it will be much easier that way. It will set us back a month or two, but in the whole great scheme of things that's nothing. The whole point when we decided to adopt from foster care was to give a home to child that didn't have one - but we really felt tied to our community and wanted to help someone here. Not that other kids didn't need help - but if we don't help our own community, who will?

So we had two meetings this week, one on one with our social worker. We decided not to tell her we are switching. She now says she is very excited to complete our home study. I wonder if they get commissions on placing kids from out of state. Anyway, the meeting was about our family history. Just how many times I've moved took a page! She also did a bit of a family tree - but to save paper I'm sure did immediate only. In two weeks we will have another joint meeting with her and thats it! She writes up the home study and we get our license. The writing up of the home study takes two months I think - so it looks like we will be licensed by the end of August.

Then on to the new agency...

Home Stretch

Classes 7 & 8 this past Saturday. Jerry and I were looking forward to it because they said that a lot of the conversation would be about adoption. Now that I am sitting here thinking about it, I cant remember half of what was said. I don't mean to make light of it because I know they need to make sure we aren't degenerates. And the trainers are really nice women who care about what they do and they have the life experience that in my mind gives them credibility. I enjoy their stories because they are real, and they are real life applications of what we are learning. Yet the material can still get so repetitive and so boring - add to that you are sitting there for 6 hours. I unintentionally tune out sometimes, or my mind goes on its little trips. Jerry calls it "blinky lights" - I see or hear something that distracts me and I tune out.

So what I can recollect, they talked about making the transition as easy as possible for the child, how to make your home a safe environment, and common mistakes that people make. They also had us write out what we do in a day now, and how we anticipate it changing. Most of the people have kids already so they understand, the trainer joked with me and Jerry that we need to help Skipper because his schedule may change (she obviously doesn't know my dog - like his momma when its time to eat, its time to EAT!).

I think we get that part - I know you don't know until it happens exactly how much kids change your life. We have witnessed first hand how much it changes peoples' lives. And they always say, well thats different. With you it its different. Again I wanted to say, NO EFFIN DOY. But still I am from a big family and have a brother who had a major illness and people all around me have kids! What they've been through obviously will make things challenging - but they are still kids. Sometimes it feels like the trainers and social workers are going to be placing Martians in our home. But I guess that's ok, I kind of live with one already...

Pie

Classes 5 & 6 this week, and we had a presenter filling in for our normal instructor. She was really great and funny, and the time passed pretty quick. Oh and they let us out early because its Mother's Day weekend. I suppose because I got home so early that Saturday I left Skipper no chance to go out and get me a Mother's Day present. But he made me some in the back yard, and dug a 3rd hole. You can now see about 18" of the deck footing... that dog is SO lucky he's cute!

So its Tuesday and here is what I remember from the class. We talked FOREVER about time outs. I consulted with my sister and she said that, in fact, the way they taught us and the way she does it is the same, and it has the desired effect on my nephew. When I asked my nephew what he thought about time outs and if they were effective, he furrowed his brow, frowned and said, "no." We also talked about spanking - you have to sign a bunch of stuff saying that you wont use corporal punishment. Besides time outs they have a lot of other techniques like talking it out, seeing psychologists, getting them involved in sports, etc. Let me say that I totally agree that violence begets violence, but I chuckled to myself thinking what my grandpa would think of all this. He once whacked my sister with a broom for saying "fart."

Anywho, there is a list of things you have to agree to in regards to punishment besides not hitting. You cant take away a meal as punishment (*believe me* coming from my family i would NEVER get between someone and their food). So they then pose the question, can you take away dessert? Not if it is a regular part of the meal. If after every dinner you have dessert, you cant take it away. But if its something you only do once in a while as a treat, then you can. But not on a holiday (which is, once in a while and a treat) because probably every body is gorging on pie and cake and candy and you can't single the kid out. For a program that is so general, this is very specific! But it all goes back to the homes they come from, where most likely food was used as a punishment, or not eating was part of their neglect, etc. But still, the threat of no pie has very coercive effects on me!

Digesting the info has not gotten easier. Especially since they keep talking about fostering and keeping the birth family involved. Next Saturday they say that we will talk about adoption. That I am looking forward to, and I hope that there will be some new information. I can't imagine that it will be easier, but at least it will be directly applicable to our situation. We'll see!

So we had classes 3 and 4 this past Saturday. I wanted to write on Sunday but I am still at a loss on what to write about it. I came out after 6 hours and still was able to explain little to friends at dinner that night. I don't know if it is because often times the things they say cause my brain to go off on its on tangent or if its too heavy for me sometimes. Probably both. Jerry is really enjoying it and really feels he is learning a lot - which I am very happy for.

They talked about abuse and neglect that leads children in to state care and the long lasting effects it can have, and how it can cause emotional and behavioral issues and learning disabilities. They didn't really go in to why - I mean, you think to yourself, of course I know why. But I know, for example, that doing basic things for babies will make them trust you. My sister told me to feed my nephew because then he will learn to trust me because he identifies me as someone who meets his needs. That makes a lot of sense to me - but the instructors stopped short of saying that. They read a story about two babies, one who cried and his parents came running and one who cried and didn't get a response. Long story short, the first baby learns the world is loving and trusting and the second baby learns the opposite. Basically it was like, birthparent does X, baby learns Y. If X is neglect or abuse, Y will result in behavior, emotional, learning disorders. But WHY. I think its odd that DCFS sends me to a class to learn about this stuff and I learned more feeding my nephew.

Which leads me to my next point. They gave an example of a couple that wanted children but couldn't have them. Lets say, me and Jerry. This couple has friends/family who have children. Lets say Robin and Eric. So in their example me and Jerry are there for Robbie and Erin's important events, we spend time with them, visit them, play with them, babysit them. Does this prepare us to adopt? Their contention is no, it does not. Robbie and Erin have two parents that love them, a mom that stays home with them, they bonded and attached normally, their development is on schedule (or ahead), etc. So I can not expect children like Robbie and Erin. I couldnt say this in class, so I am going to say it now...NO EFFING DUH. Do people really go in to this thinking that the kids they will adopt will be Robbie and Erin? Seriously???

But even so, I have learned so much about what an attachment should look like by watching those kids - you think you know what normal is and should be but it puts a new perspective on it watching it up close (normal can be such a subjective term but you know what I mean). And having seen a normal and loving attachment, I think I am prepared to understand what that means when that doesn't happen. I think it makes me more compassionate and more willing to work with the child because man, shouldn't every kid get the love and support and affection that Robbie and Erin get? No, I don't know *exactly* how the child will react, behave, misbehave, etc in a given situation. But give me constructive tools and methods that have worked in other situations - don't just tell me to seek a therapist, talk to the school, keep in touch with the foster family. All of that is fine, but I need to sit in 27 hours of class to learn that?

It turns out my very perfect nephew did not adjust to his new sister as smoothly as could have been hoped. And its been a tough year for the poor guy (though his sister smiles no matter what!) but watching him, and listening to my sister's trials and tribulations, and her conversations with other moms have been utterly enlightening. Good thing I actually have someone I can actually learn from.

Now let's just hope she babysits.

First day

So we had our first day of PRIDE training this past Saturday. I was going to write about it except that I am not really sure I can relate what it was about.

There are 9 sessions in total, two every Saturday (except obviously the last, which is one). This past Saturday we had session 1 from 9:30 - 12:30 and session 2 from 1:30 - 4:30. A very ridiculous amount of time during session one - i want to say about half of it - was spent introducing ourselves and determining the rules for the training (when we'd take breaks, that we'd keep individual stories confidential, etc). The instructors were very nice - middle-aged, experienced no-nonsense sort of women who always had a funny quip or story. Both had children of their own, and both fostered and adopted. One was currently a social worker. They told us that they would be taking notes to make sure we were participating. They would be taking notes on SPECIFIC people to report back to our caseworker. So you have to ask questions and you have to talk. Which, as a teacher I think is a nice tool to get people to talk. But also, as a former student, and a returning student, I know that sometimes you just have nothing to say! I personally like to draw and doodle while I am listening to lecture that doesnt require note taking. As backwards as it sounds, it helps me focus. But now I am afraid to get marked off or something. I think that my caseworker has a good idea of me and Jerry and I dont want to give these instructors a bad idea.

After we spent an hour and a half discussing how the next 27 hours would go, we took a break. Then watched a video about a family with two fosters - a kid who was in foster care and then returned to his father, and a kid who was adopted. There were people in the room who had fostered before (but in other states, so they needed an IL license) who said it was typical. We arent really supposed to discuss specifics but it was like an after-school special so you get the idea.

The second session was no better. We watched another video (and yes, they are 90's era so the haircuts and outfits are like bad flashbacks) about how the birth parents react to the foster system. Most of them said in the beginning it was the worst day of their lives when their children were taken away, it was all so horrible, then they got clean and got their kids back and now they are one big happy family - birth parents, foster parents, social worker and kids. Not really what I expected for many reasons. Then we talked about everyone's role in the life of the child and how they can help the child.

It was exhausting mentally and emotionally because when you are sitting there watching these videos and then listening to the discussions after, you immediately think about the impact on your own situation. Its easy when thinking of your own hopes and dreams to forget about the true impact on the child, and even if you constantly remind yourself about the true impact on the child. The reality, the actuality of it all is much heavier.

Jerry is much more pragmatic and *dare I say* optimistic about it. He thinks we need to keep an open mind and get through it and not draw an inferences until its all over, and until we can talk to our caseworker again. For once I am going to put my hard-headedness away and just trust him. But dont tell.

Skool

So Jerry and I start our classes this Saturday. Its from 9:30am - 4:30pm with an hour break for lunch. I've heard mixed reviews on it overall. Jerry is actually looking forward to it because he wants to learn about these children and tips and tools. We both are looking forward to meeting other parents in our area who are adopting from foster care as well.

I am not so optimistic about the curriculum though - its making me think of the pre-cana we had to do for the church before we got married. Though supposedly tailored to our situation - old and living together - it still was almost too general to be effective. It gave pointers on how to talk about money and chores - if we are engaged and haven't talked about that stuff yet, we are in much bigger trouble. It was taught by an "inter-faith" couple - a Catholic and Lutheran - which made me raise an eyebrow. First of all, calling a Catholic and a Lutheran "inter-faith" is like saying an H2 and a Chevy Suburban are different cars - the inconvenient truth is that an H2 is just a Hummer shell on a Suburban chassis. My point is this - Catholics and Lutherans are pretty much the same except for that whole pope thing. Secondly, even if we let the poor Lutherans have their own religion, why is a Lutheran teaching a class required by the Catholic Church for Catholic couples?

I'm worried that because it is a general program for oodles of parents run by the government that it might be too general and I will have a hard time relating. Also, I wonder how much of it will be the "feed your child at least every 14 hours" and "do you have running water" and "you have to buy the kids their own clothes," that we have already encountered. Will all of the materials be old photocopies from the 80's? Think of government literature you get for anything - the census, lead paint disclosures, tax forms, the bizarre videos in the airports about security. Will the whole thing be a bad PSA? I picture videos of parents and children sitting on steps wearing bad 90's clothes laughing and chatting. I don't know where this image comes from. Remember the driver's ed videos? Those things were from the 70's and i took drivers ed in 1993!

Yes, this is a piss poor attitude. Maybe now that I am the instructor of a general education course that is required its making me think. I work hard so my students will stop staring with glazed over eyes and drooling in their boredom, some actually making me think they have learned to sleep with their eyes open. So I will be a good student and go with an open mind, and hopefully will be singing the praises of the training by Saturday afternoon.

Skool

We received our notice from DCFS for the PRIDE training, which is 27 hours of mandatory classes for those intent on adopting. We begin April 24. If the children you are adopting are related to you, the training is only 6 hours. So since we have not begun yet, for any one who would like to just give me their kids to save me 21 hours now is your chance. Once I've completed the 27 you are SOL.

We aren't sure yet what exactly the classes will entail, but hope they will go deeper than saying don't burn or starve the kids like our last encounter. it will be a total of 4 1/2 saturdays, each day consisting of two 3-hour classes with a one hour lunch break in between. After then we will have our additional one-on-one meetings with the social worker and then I think wrap up the home study. I think......!

In the mean time we continue to prepare the house, find a new car, etc!

Catholics rule, Lutherans drool

We had our home inspection this past Tuesday. It was nothing like we expected - a lot better actually. The social worker came to the house and sat down with us first to go over some of the requirements or things that we agree to do/not do. Then she took a tour of the house and asked out plans for it re the kids, and we explained. She made a little rough drawing of the layout and that was it. Pretty painless. She also said I shouldn't worry about keeping the house clean for her...does she know I am Jeanne's daughter? Someone tells me not to clean - NO PROBLEM.

When she sat down with us she had pages of things we had to agree to do or not do, and requirements that we had to acknowledge. First thing, it is important that we keep specific information about the child and their background confidential. It is fine to discuss the process of course, but we shouldn't be telling anyone, for instance, what specifically happened to the child that brought them to our house. When they get older, they can make the decision to share or not share their experience. And it makes sense - imagine I slip a detail about the child or their birth parents to someone and they may promise not to tell but we all do, sooner or later. And if the child over hears the wrong thing, or they know that people know these intimate details, it could exacerbate the situation.

Now on to some of the other requirements - that we have running water. Hmmm. Check. The form she used is statewide, and so there is a large section about the water because of rural areas. Still, slightly amusing. We then had to sign in no less than 5 places that we would keep our hot water under 115*F - because a child was scalded before. Accidents happen but come on! No corporal punishment. No going longer than 14 hours between meals. I was like WTF - who would do that? Then Robin pointed out that most people do it - its called eating dinner and then not eating again until breakfast. Pshhh. Not in my house - its the one thing Skipper and I have in common: always hungry and always looking for food. The social worker would have done better to advise me not to feed to often! No punishing them by denying access to people they love. Not saying that if they play ball in the house we couldnt say, no you cant go to the park with your friends. They mean withholding a phone call to a relative or something. We also had to agree that if they break something not to withhold more than 50% of their allowance to pay us back. And that we will let them do additional work to earn additional spending money. We were really surprised that those things were being told to us - its fine, it makes sense but that you actually have to mandate that. I dont know it was weird. It was like for every very useful thing (the website you can go to find all recalled items) there was something weird or no-effin-duh (let the child go to the bathroom by themselves).

They also said that we will respect the religious wishes of the child. We agreed but my concern was this: we are Catholic and what if the kid we get was raised Baptist. Do I have to take him to a Baptist church? Will I not be allowed to send him to our parish's Catholic School? She said that the birth parents, until the adoption is finalized, still have control over the religion of their child. We must have had some look on our faces because she quickly added that this is more to ensure kids who want access to church get it. She had a case where an older child who wanted to go to church was adopted by non religious parents and they had to make sure there was access to church. I dont think she wanted to discuss it further. But Jerry's friend who went to LCFS said she did so because she wanted to make sure they understood her desire to send the child to a Lutheran school. Now you would think Lutheran + Lutheran = no problemo but that doesnt answer what they do with non-Lutheran Protestants and Catholics. I know there is prejudice against Catholics, but over and over again we were told and we read that you dont need to be Lutheran, that it doesnt matter (but I am half!!!). So I dont know. Hopefully I am just over reacting.

Also, I am more confused now about the next steps. She said that she doesnt want to schedule our one on one interviews until we attend class. I didnt realize how much class there was - 27 hours! Im sure she told me but with everything else no wonder i forgot. So we registered for classes but they do not begin until April 24. It is FIVE saturdays from 930 - 430 with an hour for lunch. yes, i love school but those are LONG days!

And we got mooooooore paperwork. Gotta love it.

Yesterday we finally had our first appointment with our caseworker at LCFS. She said to us with a big smile, "your application has officially opened." We were like, super YAY and then, super WTF. I mean, it feels like we've been at this forever!

We talked a lot about the process and filled out another butt load of paperwork. (In other news, I think I've found a new shorthand version of my signature that I really like.) Our caseworker has been a foster parent, so she was given our file specifically. She explained to us that kids in foster care have been abused and neglected, and that is why they are there. She didnt mince words - she warned us she wouldn't. We knew going in to the meeting most of the things, but she really wanted to underscore what we were applying for. Also the importance of ongoing therapy and post adoption services, which LCFS has lots of resources. Catholic Charities does as well, and you need not have adopted the children through them to get services.

The interviews are about a five week long process - beginning yesterday with Jerry and I meeting her in her office. Next week she comes to our house to meet with us again and do a preliminary inspection. The week after I meet with her one on one, the week after Jerry does. Then a week after that we both meet with her again and she finalizes the home inspection. All on weekdays during business hours. This no doubt prepares us to relegate our schedule completely to the children when they arrive, but we are lucky we have a very understanding employer. It will be a lot of time off of work.

After that we have to take 27 hours of foster care education - it is a requirement by IL DCFS. I'm still a little fuzzy on how we find classes to take - though for me its yay more school. Our caseworker said that takes about 5 weeks, and then she needs 6 - 8 weeks to write up our home study. I always thought the home study was literally walking around your house making sure there is space and smoke detectors and such, but its actually the entire process of vetting us as potential parents. So after we complete the process and she writes it up, about four months, we will then be able to select potential children to adopt. Apparently selection occurs on websites run by the states for waiting children. Jerry and I met on the internet, we found the shelter we got Skipper from on the internet...why not find our kids there too? :)

So now that we are deciding whether to squish the kids in the Jetta or do the unthinkable and buy a minivan, we've decided to check out some schools in the area. If someone knows a Polish-English day school, please let me know... We've found Spanish, but that isn't going to help me figure out how many times Jerry's mom is ACTUALLY calling me fat!

TB or not TB

Our physical exams out of the way and both declared TB free, Jerry and I have actually completed the very long application and are mailing it today. We didnt think it would take that long - though I'm guessing that for those of you who have ever made plans to go somewhere with us, the fact that we were late is no surprise.

What we mailed in was our physical forms, receipts from fingerprinting, an application for LCFS and one for DCFS and a fillion disclaimers that we had to sign. Everything from HIPPA laws to authorizations to foster care agreements. I don't think we signed this much paperwork since we refinanced our house! Once this application is received they will call us in for an initial interview and then we can begin the home study. Their charges are by the hour - so we had to pay a $1500 retainer. We will get bills in the mail showing how the money was allocated. This differs from Catholic Charities as different lump sums were due at different times. This way is actually easier for us though - its smaller amounts more frequently. Either way, it isnt just a tax deduction, its a tax credit. We'll get it all back.

Its nice that people ask all the time about our progress. But I feel like I did when I planned my wedding - most of the time its a whole lotta nuthin and then all of a sudden a cascade of events and actual progress. But the time was necessary, and I'm glad actually. In a way entering fully in to the adoption process feels like a finality of the diagnosis of infertility - and we needed that. After Jerry's diagnosis I kind of pushed us full speed ahead thinking that would make everything better. But no matter what we talked about or how excited we got the thoughts still crept in to our head. The reason why, in the first place, we were doing this. And that hurt can color your choices and conversations without you even knowing it. Its not fair to the kids we will adopt to go in to this while still mourning our conditions - or even without knowing that we werent finished mourning. No matter how much you decide it was meant to be and how much these kids need you there can still be a nagging feeling because we won't by some miracle get pregnant during the application, we won't by some miracle get pregnant after the adoption takes place. And I'm pretty sure that we won't, by some miracle, find $100k to make invitro happen. Obviously we knew and felt all of this going in but its ok now. We really had to look at each other and tell each other, It's ok that we cannot have our own biological children and we are so sorry and it hurts like hell sometimes. And you don't always have to focus on the positive and what you can do to change it. We never allowed self-pity...I mean, in general, that is not a good quality! We wanted to look strong and like we had it all figured out and that we could do it. But sometimes before you can move on, you just have to sit there and say, this fucking sucks - it really fucking sucks. We had to acknowledge out loud the suckage and then we could move on. And then its like when someone dies - after a while, everything really is ok. Time really does heal all wounds - even big ones.

So now when we talk about who has to give up their fun German car for a dorky American SUV or minivan, we arent just doing it to busy our minds because we are sad that this is our option. We aren't sad anymore. We talk about it because we are excited that we really are going to be parents and if Robin cant fit two kids in an Accord, how the eff am I going to do it in a Jetta? There is nothing behind the question, its not masking anything. Seriously, how am I? And seriously, how did my grandpa fit all those kids in that station wagon?

Physical Exam

We are applying with Lutheran Child and Family Services. We just really like the agency and feel really comfortable there, and adopting interstate from foster care is in line with our goal to provide parents for children who have none.

We received an application in the mail. It was pretty similiar to Catholic Charities, only they recommend that you get your physical exam asap so that you can bring it with to your initial meeting. Some of the questions sounded funny, like, is there anything that would prevent me from frequent feedings or am I terminally ill or am I obese. Wait, what? And even though I'm pretty sure DCFS or LCFS is going to do their own psych exam, they wanted my doctor to sign off on my sanity (insert your own joke here). Also, I had to get a TB test (because its the year 1925) and a tetanus shot (because good parenting means being able to get stabbed with rusty metal and walk away). I don't think I've had a "physical exam" since I tried out for softball in 8th grade. With the TB test you have to go back in 72 hours so they can look at your reaction and see if they need to put you in the sanitarium. I'm more nervous that she checked the box that said, "obese." All in all pretty painless.

Jerry does his physical this week, and we can send in the paperwork and get an appointment with the social worker to begin the homestudy (yes, i've started cleaning now!). In the mean time we have to get fingerprinted, which hearing what you hear on the news I have no problem with that. I've actually been fingerprinted before when I went for my loan originator's license. It's inkless and (of course) all done by computer and actually kind of cool (in a, now big brother can track me wherever I go kind of way).

A very exciting week for us - we finally feel like we are on our way!