It's been two months since the girls have left. And at the same time it feels like they were never here, and that they just left yesterday. We cleaned out everything but kept some mementos. Unfortunately you can't clean out your brain so easily. For a week and a half after they left Jerry would wake up looking for the baby, and I would open my eyes and see Skipper waiting for his breakfast instead of the toddler waiting for her milk. We both had dreams for a long time - we still do but not as much. We tried to find out how they were doing, but for 'confidentiality' reasons they couldn't tell us. I find it hard to believe that they can't just say they are doing well or something, but after all they put us through nothing surprises me.
Its such a strange and indescribable feeling to come out on the other side of something that was not supposed to end. Both of us have suffered loss and pain in the past but this felt worse because it was so wrapped up in hope. Hope can make you believe in the unimaginable - and well, that is sometimes the problem.
Not that we are not hopeful. Of course we are. But we trust in God and tie our camel to the tree, so we have written to the Inspector General for DCFS. I'm not sure I expect anything to happen, but I think it's important that they know this did happen. Especially in light of UCAN's recent phone call to me.
Its been two month since the girls left and we have heard absolutely nothing from UCAN. We had considered moving our license but then just decided to make no decisions until we were ready. I had registered with AdoptUSkids months ago, and they finally called me last week. They had called UCAN to verify my license status and were led to believe my file was somehow incomplete. I laughed. I just had a placement! How could my file be incomplete?
Five days later UCAN calls me and played the most beautiful blame game song I had ever heard. I suppose most people would be supremely annoyed or offended, but as a student and teacher of bureaucratic politics I have a morbid appreciation for the extent to which government apparatus can dysfunctionally function. The new licensing agent in so few words blamed just about everything on the previous one, leading me to believe that this previous agent could have single-handedly brought down the one of the largest foster agencies in the state. And then began the baiting for information - "I don't know what she told you..." New Agent would say, and then trail off waiting for me to finish. "Old Agent may have made it seem like X..." she would continue, "...but it is clear that if Old Agent told you X or even Y or Z, she was clearly violating policy and the law." Not the law! A thing of beauty it were.
I kept quiet. There were many things she said that made it appear I was listed under some "Team Old Agent" hit list that was targeted for re-education camp. But at the end of the conversation, I learned that while my license was in order, my home study was not. I had an adoption home study, done at the agency I started with, that should be a foster home study. When I transferred from LCFS to UCAN, it was supposed to have been rewritten on the appropriate form but because of Old Agent, it was not. I don't believe for a second that the entire crux of my home study relies on a form, yet I totally do because that would make perfect sense in bureaucratic-speak. New Agent said transferred home studies are a complete mess, and she would much rather write a new one than transfer. Thanks, but I didn't ask.
New agent also informed me of what a child welfare agency does - that is, to take care of the child and not to go out and find children for people to adopt. Part of me felt like she was again implying that the situation with the girls was my fault, for not being clear enough with what I wanted and for not understanding what "child welfare" agencies do. At that point I couldn't bite my tongue any longer and I informed her that I was aware of that, that I was not trying to steal someone else's kids or ask King Solomon to cut the baby in half. I get it. And no matter what, I reminded her, we were and are good foster parents who advocated for the children in our care.
At this point they want to rewrite the homestudy. And I get that this lady is doing her job; picking up where someone else left off is never easy no matter what the circumstances. I suppose if she didn't spend 50% of the conversation blaming all troubles/problems/issues/concerns/etc on Old Agent, I would have felt better about it. In the end, she doesn't care about me as a foster parent, she cares about cleaning up a mess that she feels someone else left so her agency doesn't get hosed.
So we are not done with foster care, but we are definitely taking a nice long break and re-evaluating things. I still believe that with all the heartache and headache I would do it all over again. But for now the next baby I will be fretting over is that of my preliminary exams, and as my professor says, that is one ugly baby!
Friday, June 22, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
Our 14 Days
So it has been over a year and a half since my last post! A friend told me two weeks ago that she wondered why I hadn't posted recently and wondered if it was because we were getting frustrated or just that nothing was happening. A little bit of both I said - but since starting my graduate program we also slowed our roll a little. My niece and nephews have taught me that nothing blows apart the best laid plans of mice and men like that of a child with their own agenda....
By now most people know our most recent experience. We had been getting emails from the agency letting us know here and there when placements were available - but we were turning them down because they were either foster or had "concurrent plans" - meaning the ultimate goal was reunification but they also had a chance to be adopted. Even concurrent plans were too much for us, we wanted pre-adoptive with no concurrent plan. Long story short, the way Illinois law works you never can be 100% certain, but you can definitely identify a placement where there is no family available and the parents are not actively trying to regain custody.
Along the way we also decided that we did want younger children, even a baby. I guess it wasn't that we didn't want them, we just really felt the pull to give a home to a child that did not have one. Someone once told me that they believe children find their parents, and parents find their children.
On April 13, two weeks ago, we got an email from the licensing specialist at our agency that they had a pre-adoptive placement of an infant and a toddler. We trusted her 100% that this met our desire for the least amount of legal risk (meaning return to home). The precise reason was that she was just in our home three days prior, doing the biannual inspection, and we were apologizing for not taking a placement the month before. We explained that when we found out it was foster only, we just couldn't do it. We absolutely do see fostering in our future, but not to start a family. She said that we didn't need to explain why we didn't take the placement, but I told her I wanted to because I wanted her to know we were looking for permanent.
I responded to her email saying yes we were interested and I would call in an hour. In all fairness to the agency they did say they needed the placement "now." But in my wildest dreams I didn't think that meant we didnt even have 24 hours to prepare. Before I could call her I got an email saying that the girls would be at my house around 7pm. It was 3pm. I was at the James Hotel downtown, just checked in for the weekend for Scott and Cindy's wedding on Saturday. I had my MPSA presentation Saturday as well.
But this is exactly what we wanted and were waiting for. So I dropped everything, ran home, got ready, Robin came over with food, toys, went out to get formula. Jaime came and brought my mom who was coming back to the hotel with us so I could present and Jerry could be co-best man. Everyone rushed to our side to do whatever they could. For that I will be eternally greatful.
We made it through the weekend and came home to begin our new life. It was full of ups and downs but we were adjusting and we were making a nice home. My friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, colleagues, students, everyone around me was so incredibly wonderful and helpful - we could hardly believe that we were so lucky. The luckiest people in the world. Even Skipper perked up - he learned quickly that kids drop LOTS of food.
On Wednesday we found out from Facebook that the licensing specialist who placed the girls with us was let go from the agency. The agency did not tell us anything (until two weeks later when we got a letter in the mail). Long story short, there is a lot of paperwork and bureaucratic stuff that goes into fostering, and we felt left in the lurch. But we had so much help and support from family and friends that we did not worry, we thought it would work out.
Friday the girls' caseworker came to check on them. He told us that an aunt had passed a background check and he was going to visit her home, and we would be talking transfer soon. We felt kicked in the gut - literally the floor ripped out from under us. There is always some risk when children are not legally free - but this was not even the case. For the aunt to have been identified and cleared 6 days later the process must have started before we were ever involved. I had heard some rumors, but we had never been told the entire story of the girls.
It took several days for us to get the entire story. But when we did we were shocked. The girls were never available for adoption - and their identification as such was exceptionally premature. Furthermore, we believe that we were intentionally misled because they needed a home for them and the agency was about to get in trouble with DCFS. I'm not sure how much I am allowed to say, so I will leave it at that.
My heart really hurt as an aunt - to think that she was out there doing the things she needed to do to get her nieces while at the same time some other family was thinking they could be adopted. How could the agency be so cruel and just so plain stupid? Like I said there is never 100% certainty but we didnt even know until a week later that they had family that wanted them and parents who were trying to reunite.
It was at that moment that we realized our job was to get them to their family. The next Thursday, April 26, their caseworker was coming to take them for a parental visit. We told him it would be best that he return them to their aunt after the visit. And that is what happened. Yesterday at 9:30 the caseworker came and we packed everything we had for them, food and clothes for a week, to help the aunt as much as possible. We wanted her to have everything she needed and be prepared the way we were not.
To see them go was one of the hardest things Jerry and I have had to go through. But we have great relief knowing that they are going to their family. Some people want to judge the family but I refuse. What if something happened to Robin and Eric and we didnt know? What if her kids ended up in state care? Wouldn't I move heaven and earth to get them back? Wouldn't anyone in my family or Eric's??
We cried the entire night before they left. For them, for us, for their family, for the cruelty of the agency who to save their own ass would do this to families. And for the record, everyone at the agency is blaming someone else, and the VP even tried to blame us saying we should have told them that we didn't want a placement with a 'concurrent plan.' Uh, didnt I reiterate that to the licensing specialist SEVENTY TWO FUCKING HOURS before we were emailed?
Jerry always uses the word 'cluster-fuck' incorrectly. I told him this was very much an appropriate use of it.
We have received 10 times the support over the last couple days. We are so truly and incredibly humbled by how much everyone cares about us - and the girls. And as horrendous an experience as it was, I am not sure that I would change it. We learned so much about everything. And honestly I would like to think that our outrage and panic got these girls to their aunt's house faster.
My neighbor said that God only gives you what you can handle. I don't agree. I think he gives you all kinds of stuff that you cannot handle, and sometimes I feel like its a joke on His behalf to see exactly what will break you. But what I have learned is that perception is fickle mistress. If I look at this as this big huge horrible thing that happened to us, and that we got taken advantage of, and that all adoption agencies are just out to cover their own asses, and everything sucks, then that is exactly what it will be. But if I choose to say to myself, these little girls taught me more about the world than I ever could have hoped to on my own, then that is it will be. A world made richer and better because of them. A very positive two weeks where Jerry and I got to help and make the difference in the life of a child, and God willing their family.
God gives you all sorts of things and the free will to handle it how you choose. It's up to us to come out on the other side - stronger and wiser than we when started.
By now most people know our most recent experience. We had been getting emails from the agency letting us know here and there when placements were available - but we were turning them down because they were either foster or had "concurrent plans" - meaning the ultimate goal was reunification but they also had a chance to be adopted. Even concurrent plans were too much for us, we wanted pre-adoptive with no concurrent plan. Long story short, the way Illinois law works you never can be 100% certain, but you can definitely identify a placement where there is no family available and the parents are not actively trying to regain custody.
Along the way we also decided that we did want younger children, even a baby. I guess it wasn't that we didn't want them, we just really felt the pull to give a home to a child that did not have one. Someone once told me that they believe children find their parents, and parents find their children.
On April 13, two weeks ago, we got an email from the licensing specialist at our agency that they had a pre-adoptive placement of an infant and a toddler. We trusted her 100% that this met our desire for the least amount of legal risk (meaning return to home). The precise reason was that she was just in our home three days prior, doing the biannual inspection, and we were apologizing for not taking a placement the month before. We explained that when we found out it was foster only, we just couldn't do it. We absolutely do see fostering in our future, but not to start a family. She said that we didn't need to explain why we didn't take the placement, but I told her I wanted to because I wanted her to know we were looking for permanent.
I responded to her email saying yes we were interested and I would call in an hour. In all fairness to the agency they did say they needed the placement "now." But in my wildest dreams I didn't think that meant we didnt even have 24 hours to prepare. Before I could call her I got an email saying that the girls would be at my house around 7pm. It was 3pm. I was at the James Hotel downtown, just checked in for the weekend for Scott and Cindy's wedding on Saturday. I had my MPSA presentation Saturday as well.
But this is exactly what we wanted and were waiting for. So I dropped everything, ran home, got ready, Robin came over with food, toys, went out to get formula. Jaime came and brought my mom who was coming back to the hotel with us so I could present and Jerry could be co-best man. Everyone rushed to our side to do whatever they could. For that I will be eternally greatful.
We made it through the weekend and came home to begin our new life. It was full of ups and downs but we were adjusting and we were making a nice home. My friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, colleagues, students, everyone around me was so incredibly wonderful and helpful - we could hardly believe that we were so lucky. The luckiest people in the world. Even Skipper perked up - he learned quickly that kids drop LOTS of food.
On Wednesday we found out from Facebook that the licensing specialist who placed the girls with us was let go from the agency. The agency did not tell us anything (until two weeks later when we got a letter in the mail). Long story short, there is a lot of paperwork and bureaucratic stuff that goes into fostering, and we felt left in the lurch. But we had so much help and support from family and friends that we did not worry, we thought it would work out.
Friday the girls' caseworker came to check on them. He told us that an aunt had passed a background check and he was going to visit her home, and we would be talking transfer soon. We felt kicked in the gut - literally the floor ripped out from under us. There is always some risk when children are not legally free - but this was not even the case. For the aunt to have been identified and cleared 6 days later the process must have started before we were ever involved. I had heard some rumors, but we had never been told the entire story of the girls.
It took several days for us to get the entire story. But when we did we were shocked. The girls were never available for adoption - and their identification as such was exceptionally premature. Furthermore, we believe that we were intentionally misled because they needed a home for them and the agency was about to get in trouble with DCFS. I'm not sure how much I am allowed to say, so I will leave it at that.
My heart really hurt as an aunt - to think that she was out there doing the things she needed to do to get her nieces while at the same time some other family was thinking they could be adopted. How could the agency be so cruel and just so plain stupid? Like I said there is never 100% certainty but we didnt even know until a week later that they had family that wanted them and parents who were trying to reunite.
It was at that moment that we realized our job was to get them to their family. The next Thursday, April 26, their caseworker was coming to take them for a parental visit. We told him it would be best that he return them to their aunt after the visit. And that is what happened. Yesterday at 9:30 the caseworker came and we packed everything we had for them, food and clothes for a week, to help the aunt as much as possible. We wanted her to have everything she needed and be prepared the way we were not.
To see them go was one of the hardest things Jerry and I have had to go through. But we have great relief knowing that they are going to their family. Some people want to judge the family but I refuse. What if something happened to Robin and Eric and we didnt know? What if her kids ended up in state care? Wouldn't I move heaven and earth to get them back? Wouldn't anyone in my family or Eric's??
We cried the entire night before they left. For them, for us, for their family, for the cruelty of the agency who to save their own ass would do this to families. And for the record, everyone at the agency is blaming someone else, and the VP even tried to blame us saying we should have told them that we didn't want a placement with a 'concurrent plan.' Uh, didnt I reiterate that to the licensing specialist SEVENTY TWO FUCKING HOURS before we were emailed?
Jerry always uses the word 'cluster-fuck' incorrectly. I told him this was very much an appropriate use of it.
We have received 10 times the support over the last couple days. We are so truly and incredibly humbled by how much everyone cares about us - and the girls. And as horrendous an experience as it was, I am not sure that I would change it. We learned so much about everything. And honestly I would like to think that our outrage and panic got these girls to their aunt's house faster.
My neighbor said that God only gives you what you can handle. I don't agree. I think he gives you all kinds of stuff that you cannot handle, and sometimes I feel like its a joke on His behalf to see exactly what will break you. But what I have learned is that perception is fickle mistress. If I look at this as this big huge horrible thing that happened to us, and that we got taken advantage of, and that all adoption agencies are just out to cover their own asses, and everything sucks, then that is exactly what it will be. But if I choose to say to myself, these little girls taught me more about the world than I ever could have hoped to on my own, then that is it will be. A world made richer and better because of them. A very positive two weeks where Jerry and I got to help and make the difference in the life of a child, and God willing their family.
God gives you all sorts of things and the free will to handle it how you choose. It's up to us to come out on the other side - stronger and wiser than we when started.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
New Agency
We met with our new social worker this past Friday, Erin Ginn from UCan. Tell everyone you know thinking about adoption to call her - we loved her right away. When our other case worker came it always felt like I was talking to my boss or the cops. Erin was really friendly and really easy to talk to (I'm sure I liked her because she laughed at all my jokes). In our opinion LCFS was pushing interstate adoption on us, and when we sat with Erin she said in state, out of state, on Mars, she'd help us get there - whatever we wanted.
Interestingly, a woman on my TNT team said she had a similar encounter with LCFS when she called them to ask about adoption, and because of that chose not to continue with them. Lutherans! They're probably Swedish too!
She took a some info and we signed more papers, and she will put in a request to get our home study documentations so we dont have to go through all of that again. Our home study should be done by now - a couple weeks ago our LCFS caseworker told us she was just waiting for her supervisor to sign off on it. I asked Erin if it was like Allstate and she would break up with our other agency for us, and she said we didn't have to tell them anything if we didnt want to. They should get the hint when the request for the homestudy comes. But I sent her an email anyway, and she is on vacation for two weeks. I'm sure its deserved - but she could have let us know if our homestudy was completed! It made me really feel like switching to UCan was the right thing to do.
Also, they have kids if we are ready. Jerry's face was priceless when she said they have kids that may need a home, they are 2, 3 and 4. I thought he was going to pass out. We politely declined. But it was such a difference - LCFS told us just to go online and find kids and report back, and try to narrow the search because they didnt want to have to be sending our home study over and over and over a million times. Not only is UCan pretty much saying they have IL kids, but they dont care if they have to send out 20 home studies, if thats what we want they will do it. Another thing, we paid close to $2000 for all of the licensing and homestudy, which we knew was free if we went right to DCFS. We opted to pay to have someone do it rather than risk doing it wrong. Apparently UCan does not charge. Erin was very surprised to hear we had paid so much. Sometimes I wonder why I was so quick to settle on LCFS, but I really didn't know where else to go.
At work, when I talk to potential landlords they tell me all the time, "i didnt know anything about the billboard business." So I have to assure them that no one does, only a select handful of weirdos such as myself. And so if they made a bad deal in the past, or could have gotten more money, they shouldn't feel bad or regretful. I find myself in a similar situation, because who knows anything about adopting from DCFS? Plenty of people told me they had adopted once they found out we were, but not from DCFS. So I just have to be happy that eventually we did find Erin (she was recommended to us by a couple we met at our PRIDE training).
So, really we are ready to look and be considered. The home study should be handed over without incident, it just might take some time. In the interim, we can still be considered and we can still search and if we find children that we think would be a good fit, we can apply. So everything seems to be going along well and we should have a match soon. Unless by some miracle Jerry actually does become pregnant...
Interestingly, a woman on my TNT team said she had a similar encounter with LCFS when she called them to ask about adoption, and because of that chose not to continue with them. Lutherans! They're probably Swedish too!
She took a some info and we signed more papers, and she will put in a request to get our home study documentations so we dont have to go through all of that again. Our home study should be done by now - a couple weeks ago our LCFS caseworker told us she was just waiting for her supervisor to sign off on it. I asked Erin if it was like Allstate and she would break up with our other agency for us, and she said we didn't have to tell them anything if we didnt want to. They should get the hint when the request for the homestudy comes. But I sent her an email anyway, and she is on vacation for two weeks. I'm sure its deserved - but she could have let us know if our homestudy was completed! It made me really feel like switching to UCan was the right thing to do.
Also, they have kids if we are ready. Jerry's face was priceless when she said they have kids that may need a home, they are 2, 3 and 4. I thought he was going to pass out. We politely declined. But it was such a difference - LCFS told us just to go online and find kids and report back, and try to narrow the search because they didnt want to have to be sending our home study over and over and over a million times. Not only is UCan pretty much saying they have IL kids, but they dont care if they have to send out 20 home studies, if thats what we want they will do it. Another thing, we paid close to $2000 for all of the licensing and homestudy, which we knew was free if we went right to DCFS. We opted to pay to have someone do it rather than risk doing it wrong. Apparently UCan does not charge. Erin was very surprised to hear we had paid so much. Sometimes I wonder why I was so quick to settle on LCFS, but I really didn't know where else to go.
At work, when I talk to potential landlords they tell me all the time, "i didnt know anything about the billboard business." So I have to assure them that no one does, only a select handful of weirdos such as myself. And so if they made a bad deal in the past, or could have gotten more money, they shouldn't feel bad or regretful. I find myself in a similar situation, because who knows anything about adopting from DCFS? Plenty of people told me they had adopted once they found out we were, but not from DCFS. So I just have to be happy that eventually we did find Erin (she was recommended to us by a couple we met at our PRIDE training).
So, really we are ready to look and be considered. The home study should be handed over without incident, it just might take some time. In the interim, we can still be considered and we can still search and if we find children that we think would be a good fit, we can apply. So everything seems to be going along well and we should have a match soon. Unless by some miracle Jerry actually does become pregnant...
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Hold on to your kids
We received our DCFS license yesterday. After all the work and classes and home visits and begging our friends to write up good references (and forget that I said when kids fly they should go in crates like pets in the cargo hold)...its here. And actually, it was rather anti-climactic.
I think I expected something more official looking. Unfortunately the whole web-intelligence thing passed me by and I don't know how to post a pic here. I thought it would look like the licenses that come from IDPR - blue with a nice border and all official looking. Even the reprint of my birth certificate from Cook County looks more official. Its a flimsy piece of paper off a dot matrix printer. In fact, it looks more like a voucher. I suppose I can go redeem it now for up to three children. Jerry said since everything is on the internet, we'll have to go to the kid shopping website and redeem it - he said we'll probably click on the kid, put them in the shopping cart, checkout...
Jokes aside, its a relief. The homestudy is not completed yet, but this is a major hurdle to clear. We are licensed to adopt up to three kids from 0 - 18. Jerry schwitzes at the thought of one. It's not like I am helping the situation - I've decided to go part time at Van Wagner so I can teach classes at Westwood, and I'll be starting my PhD program on August 23. Something is going to have to go, for sure, but its kind of fun hearing him tell me that I don't understand how much work children will be. As my mom says, you don't know until you know, but seriously - I do come from a family that thinks procreation is a hobby.
I contact the agency we had planned on switching to and the social worker was on vacation. So hopefully she will get in touch with us this week. We want to just meet with her first to get all the facts straight and make sure that what we've been told by her, her agency, her other clients, etc, is all in line with what we want. It seems like they make up the rules as they go. I do feel guilty leaving LCFS...until I remember that we paid $1700 to get licensed. There is an application fee at the beginning of $150, and then some other fee of $350, and the homestudy fee is $1200. (The Fed does give a tax credit but its so complicated I think TaxACT won't cut it this year).
Anyway, despite Jerry's paranoia and my being a brat, we are very excited. Unfortunately Friday Jerry and his mom had to put Toby down, he had internal bleeding and it turned out his liver was addled with tumors - really nothing could be done at that point. Poor guy - he was a really good dog. So the license was some much needed good news after a very sad weekend.
Til next time.
I think I expected something more official looking. Unfortunately the whole web-intelligence thing passed me by and I don't know how to post a pic here. I thought it would look like the licenses that come from IDPR - blue with a nice border and all official looking. Even the reprint of my birth certificate from Cook County looks more official. Its a flimsy piece of paper off a dot matrix printer. In fact, it looks more like a voucher. I suppose I can go redeem it now for up to three children. Jerry said since everything is on the internet, we'll have to go to the kid shopping website and redeem it - he said we'll probably click on the kid, put them in the shopping cart, checkout...
Jokes aside, its a relief. The homestudy is not completed yet, but this is a major hurdle to clear. We are licensed to adopt up to three kids from 0 - 18. Jerry schwitzes at the thought of one. It's not like I am helping the situation - I've decided to go part time at Van Wagner so I can teach classes at Westwood, and I'll be starting my PhD program on August 23. Something is going to have to go, for sure, but its kind of fun hearing him tell me that I don't understand how much work children will be. As my mom says, you don't know until you know, but seriously - I do come from a family that thinks procreation is a hobby.
I contact the agency we had planned on switching to and the social worker was on vacation. So hopefully she will get in touch with us this week. We want to just meet with her first to get all the facts straight and make sure that what we've been told by her, her agency, her other clients, etc, is all in line with what we want. It seems like they make up the rules as they go. I do feel guilty leaving LCFS...until I remember that we paid $1700 to get licensed. There is an application fee at the beginning of $150, and then some other fee of $350, and the homestudy fee is $1200. (The Fed does give a tax credit but its so complicated I think TaxACT won't cut it this year).
Anyway, despite Jerry's paranoia and my being a brat, we are very excited. Unfortunately Friday Jerry and his mom had to put Toby down, he had internal bleeding and it turned out his liver was addled with tumors - really nothing could be done at that point. Poor guy - he was a really good dog. So the license was some much needed good news after a very sad weekend.
Til next time.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Kid Shopping
Last Wednesday was our final meeting with our social worker! The purpose of the last meeting is to discuss Jerry and I as a couple and what we want for our children. "Not to be a goof" is apparently not a good enough answer.
She asked questions about how we met and how long we have been together, why we feel we get along so well and such. Then she asked what values did we want to instill in our children, what kind of people did we want them to be. That's not a simple answer! You cant just say, "to be good people" either. They want you to elaborate. I think we are pretty much in line with what we want and we both struggle with the same thing, and that is how to have a kid that appreciates stuff. Nowadays kids get so much crap - toys and clothes and video games - the consumerist society that we live in really has changed the way kids grow up. I had friends who had everything and friends who had nothing and those, like me, who were in between. Part of it was really unconscious though, besides my parents telling me not to be a goof it was also growing up in a working class neighborhood and watching my parents work hard and save and do the best they could. I think we are doing the same. At least I won't have to worry about setting a good example when it comes to school...
So she said she is approving our license - and we will get it in the mail in 2 - 3 weeks. The actual license is different than the home study - which were all these meetings and trainings and everything. She has to write that up and make it an official report. Also she is tidying up the file, making sure we have everything and what we did submit looks good. When we do see kids we're interested in, their social worker will get this home study and can help determine if we are a match. The home study won't be completed for 4 - 6 more weeks. So about the beginning of August it will all be in place and if we had children in mind, theoretically we could then start the process then and potentially have kids in the home before the holidays.
But none of it is ever that easy, and we are switching agencies so that will add some time. So we really have no time expectations yet. Kind of like getting or being pregnant - ONLY I CANT EAT MORE!!!!
She asked questions about how we met and how long we have been together, why we feel we get along so well and such. Then she asked what values did we want to instill in our children, what kind of people did we want them to be. That's not a simple answer! You cant just say, "to be good people" either. They want you to elaborate. I think we are pretty much in line with what we want and we both struggle with the same thing, and that is how to have a kid that appreciates stuff. Nowadays kids get so much crap - toys and clothes and video games - the consumerist society that we live in really has changed the way kids grow up. I had friends who had everything and friends who had nothing and those, like me, who were in between. Part of it was really unconscious though, besides my parents telling me not to be a goof it was also growing up in a working class neighborhood and watching my parents work hard and save and do the best they could. I think we are doing the same. At least I won't have to worry about setting a good example when it comes to school...
So she said she is approving our license - and we will get it in the mail in 2 - 3 weeks. The actual license is different than the home study - which were all these meetings and trainings and everything. She has to write that up and make it an official report. Also she is tidying up the file, making sure we have everything and what we did submit looks good. When we do see kids we're interested in, their social worker will get this home study and can help determine if we are a match. The home study won't be completed for 4 - 6 more weeks. So about the beginning of August it will all be in place and if we had children in mind, theoretically we could then start the process then and potentially have kids in the home before the holidays.
But none of it is ever that easy, and we are switching agencies so that will add some time. So we really have no time expectations yet. Kind of like getting or being pregnant - ONLY I CANT EAT MORE!!!!
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Illinois - dont say the "s" or we'll kick your a"ss"
so May 22 was our last class. it really was 2 hours of nothing. people brought donuts and bagels and we had a "presenter" who was there to talk about medical benefits and mental health services. but instead if describing who she was, where she worked and what the state had to offer, she launched in to details as if we already had children and were familiar with the system. whatever. by that point i was just so ready to be done with the classes, and thank you Theresa for having a giant party for us later that night (May 22 was also her wedding day - SO beautiful and SO much fun!).
We met another couple who was with a different agency that had quite different information than we had. This was common throughout the training - no two agencies seemed to have the same information. With the exception of one very important detail - Illinois adoptions. We had been told that adopting in Illinois was exceptionally complicated because the state very rarely terminates parental rights. The goal is always reunification with the parents, which we understood. We would have to be willing to foster first, and if the child became eligible for adoption during that period, we would be given the opportunity. But at any time the child could be reunited with their parents. There is a six month waiting period before the child can legally be adopted anyway, regardless of where the child comes from. The difference with out of state adoption is that the parental rights of those children have already been terminated - in most other states its a lot easier and faster to do that. Compounding this, according to our agency (LCFS), is that in Illinois children must be placed within the zip code they come from. So depending on where you live, there could be lots of kids or you could wait years for kids. And so our social worker said that we could wait a long time, and then the kid could never become eligible for adoption. Good for the kid! I am happy they will be reunited with their parents. But we are trying to build a family and so this is contrary to our goals.
I asked our trainers what was the deal with this zip code thing, and if it was true. They looked at me like I was crazy. They said that they do try and keep children close to the areas that they come from, and that there are certain neighborhoods that are targeted for foster family recruitment. This is because in certain neighborhoods the amount of children needing homes far outweighs those available, and they don't want to have to additionally burden a child with such a dramatic change. Feel how you want about it, its just the way it is. So I asked specifically, i am in Des Plaines, am I limited to kids from Des Plaines - further, we have two zip codes so I am I limited to my section. They said no - unless my part of Des Plaines has been classified as a target zone and I am willing to take a child from somewhere else, I can.
So we had lunch with another couple that day and they told us they were very surprised to hear about this whole zip code thing - they had been offered a new baby from 20 miles away from where they lived! They gave us the card from their social worker (from UCan) and we called her - and she confirmed it. Their social worker said they try and keep children within 10 miles of where they came from, but like our trainers said the zip code thing is for target zones. The termination of parental rights issue was correct - but children come from different homes. A woman who has had 5 kids all taken away and is now giving birth to her 6th probably will not keep the baby. It sounds harsh but its a good example. She said she could place children with us that are on a path to adoption - while she can never guarantee they will be adopted, we can minimize risk.
So after all the training was over we called our social worker and told her all we had heard. She maintained the whole same zip code thing. She also kind of seemed defensive, and Jerry got the impression she was telling us if we wanted to go elsewhere, go ahead. But its hard to change agencies right in the middle of everything - and LCFS has no obligation to hand over our file. So the social worker from UCan suggested we complete our licensing with LCFS, and once we have a license to giver her a call and it will be much easier that way. It will set us back a month or two, but in the whole great scheme of things that's nothing. The whole point when we decided to adopt from foster care was to give a home to child that didn't have one - but we really felt tied to our community and wanted to help someone here. Not that other kids didn't need help - but if we don't help our own community, who will?
So we had two meetings this week, one on one with our social worker. We decided not to tell her we are switching. She now says she is very excited to complete our home study. I wonder if they get commissions on placing kids from out of state. Anyway, the meeting was about our family history. Just how many times I've moved took a page! She also did a bit of a family tree - but to save paper I'm sure did immediate only. In two weeks we will have another joint meeting with her and thats it! She writes up the home study and we get our license. The writing up of the home study takes two months I think - so it looks like we will be licensed by the end of August.
Then on to the new agency...
We met another couple who was with a different agency that had quite different information than we had. This was common throughout the training - no two agencies seemed to have the same information. With the exception of one very important detail - Illinois adoptions. We had been told that adopting in Illinois was exceptionally complicated because the state very rarely terminates parental rights. The goal is always reunification with the parents, which we understood. We would have to be willing to foster first, and if the child became eligible for adoption during that period, we would be given the opportunity. But at any time the child could be reunited with their parents. There is a six month waiting period before the child can legally be adopted anyway, regardless of where the child comes from. The difference with out of state adoption is that the parental rights of those children have already been terminated - in most other states its a lot easier and faster to do that. Compounding this, according to our agency (LCFS), is that in Illinois children must be placed within the zip code they come from. So depending on where you live, there could be lots of kids or you could wait years for kids. And so our social worker said that we could wait a long time, and then the kid could never become eligible for adoption. Good for the kid! I am happy they will be reunited with their parents. But we are trying to build a family and so this is contrary to our goals.
I asked our trainers what was the deal with this zip code thing, and if it was true. They looked at me like I was crazy. They said that they do try and keep children close to the areas that they come from, and that there are certain neighborhoods that are targeted for foster family recruitment. This is because in certain neighborhoods the amount of children needing homes far outweighs those available, and they don't want to have to additionally burden a child with such a dramatic change. Feel how you want about it, its just the way it is. So I asked specifically, i am in Des Plaines, am I limited to kids from Des Plaines - further, we have two zip codes so I am I limited to my section. They said no - unless my part of Des Plaines has been classified as a target zone and I am willing to take a child from somewhere else, I can.
So we had lunch with another couple that day and they told us they were very surprised to hear about this whole zip code thing - they had been offered a new baby from 20 miles away from where they lived! They gave us the card from their social worker (from UCan) and we called her - and she confirmed it. Their social worker said they try and keep children within 10 miles of where they came from, but like our trainers said the zip code thing is for target zones. The termination of parental rights issue was correct - but children come from different homes. A woman who has had 5 kids all taken away and is now giving birth to her 6th probably will not keep the baby. It sounds harsh but its a good example. She said she could place children with us that are on a path to adoption - while she can never guarantee they will be adopted, we can minimize risk.
So after all the training was over we called our social worker and told her all we had heard. She maintained the whole same zip code thing. She also kind of seemed defensive, and Jerry got the impression she was telling us if we wanted to go elsewhere, go ahead. But its hard to change agencies right in the middle of everything - and LCFS has no obligation to hand over our file. So the social worker from UCan suggested we complete our licensing with LCFS, and once we have a license to giver her a call and it will be much easier that way. It will set us back a month or two, but in the whole great scheme of things that's nothing. The whole point when we decided to adopt from foster care was to give a home to child that didn't have one - but we really felt tied to our community and wanted to help someone here. Not that other kids didn't need help - but if we don't help our own community, who will?
So we had two meetings this week, one on one with our social worker. We decided not to tell her we are switching. She now says she is very excited to complete our home study. I wonder if they get commissions on placing kids from out of state. Anyway, the meeting was about our family history. Just how many times I've moved took a page! She also did a bit of a family tree - but to save paper I'm sure did immediate only. In two weeks we will have another joint meeting with her and thats it! She writes up the home study and we get our license. The writing up of the home study takes two months I think - so it looks like we will be licensed by the end of August.
Then on to the new agency...
Monday, May 17, 2010
Home Stretch
Classes 7 & 8 this past Saturday. Jerry and I were looking forward to it because they said that a lot of the conversation would be about adoption. Now that I am sitting here thinking about it, I cant remember half of what was said. I don't mean to make light of it because I know they need to make sure we aren't degenerates. And the trainers are really nice women who care about what they do and they have the life experience that in my mind gives them credibility. I enjoy their stories because they are real, and they are real life applications of what we are learning. Yet the material can still get so repetitive and so boring - add to that you are sitting there for 6 hours. I unintentionally tune out sometimes, or my mind goes on its little trips. Jerry calls it "blinky lights" - I see or hear something that distracts me and I tune out.
So what I can recollect, they talked about making the transition as easy as possible for the child, how to make your home a safe environment, and common mistakes that people make. They also had us write out what we do in a day now, and how we anticipate it changing. Most of the people have kids already so they understand, the trainer joked with me and Jerry that we need to help Skipper because his schedule may change (she obviously doesn't know my dog - like his momma when its time to eat, its time to EAT!).
I think we get that part - I know you don't know until it happens exactly how much kids change your life. We have witnessed first hand how much it changes peoples' lives. And they always say, well thats different. With you it its different. Again I wanted to say, NO EFFIN DOY. But still I am from a big family and have a brother who had a major illness and people all around me have kids! What they've been through obviously will make things challenging - but they are still kids. Sometimes it feels like the trainers and social workers are going to be placing Martians in our home. But I guess that's ok, I kind of live with one already...
So what I can recollect, they talked about making the transition as easy as possible for the child, how to make your home a safe environment, and common mistakes that people make. They also had us write out what we do in a day now, and how we anticipate it changing. Most of the people have kids already so they understand, the trainer joked with me and Jerry that we need to help Skipper because his schedule may change (she obviously doesn't know my dog - like his momma when its time to eat, its time to EAT!).
I think we get that part - I know you don't know until it happens exactly how much kids change your life. We have witnessed first hand how much it changes peoples' lives. And they always say, well thats different. With you it its different. Again I wanted to say, NO EFFIN DOY. But still I am from a big family and have a brother who had a major illness and people all around me have kids! What they've been through obviously will make things challenging - but they are still kids. Sometimes it feels like the trainers and social workers are going to be placing Martians in our home. But I guess that's ok, I kind of live with one already...
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