So it has been over a year and a half since my last post! A friend told me two weeks ago that she wondered why I hadn't posted recently and wondered if it was because we were getting frustrated or just that nothing was happening. A little bit of both I said - but since starting my graduate program we also slowed our roll a little. My niece and nephews have taught me that nothing blows apart the best laid plans of mice and men like that of a child with their own agenda....
By now most people know our most recent experience. We had been getting emails from the agency letting us know here and there when placements were available - but we were turning them down because they were either foster or had "concurrent plans" - meaning the ultimate goal was reunification but they also had a chance to be adopted. Even concurrent plans were too much for us, we wanted pre-adoptive with no concurrent plan. Long story short, the way Illinois law works you never can be 100% certain, but you can definitely identify a placement where there is no family available and the parents are not actively trying to regain custody.
Along the way we also decided that we did want younger children, even a baby. I guess it wasn't that we didn't want them, we just really felt the pull to give a home to a child that did not have one. Someone once told me that they believe children find their parents, and parents find their children.
On April 13, two weeks ago, we got an email from the licensing specialist at our agency that they had a pre-adoptive placement of an infant and a toddler. We trusted her 100% that this met our desire for the least amount of legal risk (meaning return to home). The precise reason was that she was just in our home three days prior, doing the biannual inspection, and we were apologizing for not taking a placement the month before. We explained that when we found out it was foster only, we just couldn't do it. We absolutely do see fostering in our future, but not to start a family. She said that we didn't need to explain why we didn't take the placement, but I told her I wanted to because I wanted her to know we were looking for permanent.
I responded to her email saying yes we were interested and I would call in an hour. In all fairness to the agency they did say they needed the placement "now." But in my wildest dreams I didn't think that meant we didnt even have 24 hours to prepare. Before I could call her I got an email saying that the girls would be at my house around 7pm. It was 3pm. I was at the James Hotel downtown, just checked in for the weekend for Scott and Cindy's wedding on Saturday. I had my MPSA presentation Saturday as well.
But this is exactly what we wanted and were waiting for. So I dropped everything, ran home, got ready, Robin came over with food, toys, went out to get formula. Jaime came and brought my mom who was coming back to the hotel with us so I could present and Jerry could be co-best man. Everyone rushed to our side to do whatever they could. For that I will be eternally greatful.
We made it through the weekend and came home to begin our new life. It was full of ups and downs but we were adjusting and we were making a nice home. My friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, colleagues, students, everyone around me was so incredibly wonderful and helpful - we could hardly believe that we were so lucky. The luckiest people in the world. Even Skipper perked up - he learned quickly that kids drop LOTS of food.
On Wednesday we found out from Facebook that the licensing specialist who placed the girls with us was let go from the agency. The agency did not tell us anything (until two weeks later when we got a letter in the mail). Long story short, there is a lot of paperwork and bureaucratic stuff that goes into fostering, and we felt left in the lurch. But we had so much help and support from family and friends that we did not worry, we thought it would work out.
Friday the girls' caseworker came to check on them. He told us that an aunt had passed a background check and he was going to visit her home, and we would be talking transfer soon. We felt kicked in the gut - literally the floor ripped out from under us. There is always some risk when children are not legally free - but this was not even the case. For the aunt to have been identified and cleared 6 days later the process must have started before we were ever involved. I had heard some rumors, but we had never been told the entire story of the girls.
It took several days for us to get the entire story. But when we did we were shocked. The girls were never available for adoption - and their identification as such was exceptionally premature. Furthermore, we believe that we were intentionally misled because they needed a home for them and the agency was about to get in trouble with DCFS. I'm not sure how much I am allowed to say, so I will leave it at that.
My heart really hurt as an aunt - to think that she was out there doing the things she needed to do to get her nieces while at the same time some other family was thinking they could be adopted. How could the agency be so cruel and just so plain stupid? Like I said there is never 100% certainty but we didnt even know until a week later that they had family that wanted them and parents who were trying to reunite.
It was at that moment that we realized our job was to get them to their family. The next Thursday, April 26, their caseworker was coming to take them for a parental visit. We told him it would be best that he return them to their aunt after the visit. And that is what happened. Yesterday at 9:30 the caseworker came and we packed everything we had for them, food and clothes for a week, to help the aunt as much as possible. We wanted her to have everything she needed and be prepared the way we were not.
To see them go was one of the hardest things Jerry and I have had to go through. But we have great relief knowing that they are going to their family. Some people want to judge the family but I refuse. What if something happened to Robin and Eric and we didnt know? What if her kids ended up in state care? Wouldn't I move heaven and earth to get them back? Wouldn't anyone in my family or Eric's??
We cried the entire night before they left. For them, for us, for their family, for the cruelty of the agency who to save their own ass would do this to families. And for the record, everyone at the agency is blaming someone else, and the VP even tried to blame us saying we should have told them that we didn't want a placement with a 'concurrent plan.' Uh, didnt I reiterate that to the licensing specialist SEVENTY TWO FUCKING HOURS before we were emailed?
Jerry always uses the word 'cluster-fuck' incorrectly. I told him this was very much an appropriate use of it.
We have received 10 times the support over the last couple days. We are so truly and incredibly humbled by how much everyone cares about us - and the girls. And as horrendous an experience as it was, I am not sure that I would change it. We learned so much about everything. And honestly I would like to think that our outrage and panic got these girls to their aunt's house faster.
My neighbor said that God only gives you what you can handle. I don't agree. I think he gives you all kinds of stuff that you cannot handle, and sometimes I feel like its a joke on His behalf to see exactly what will break you. But what I have learned is that perception is fickle mistress. If I look at this as this big huge horrible thing that happened to us, and that we got taken advantage of, and that all adoption agencies are just out to cover their own asses, and everything sucks, then that is exactly what it will be. But if I choose to say to myself, these little girls taught me more about the world than I ever could have hoped to on my own, then that is it will be. A world made richer and better because of them. A very positive two weeks where Jerry and I got to help and make the difference in the life of a child, and God willing their family.
God gives you all sorts of things and the free will to handle it how you choose. It's up to us to come out on the other side - stronger and wiser than we when started.
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