Yesterday we finally had our first appointment with our caseworker at LCFS. She said to us with a big smile, "your application has officially opened." We were like, super YAY and then, super WTF. I mean, it feels like we've been at this forever!
We talked a lot about the process and filled out another butt load of paperwork. (In other news, I think I've found a new shorthand version of my signature that I really like.) Our caseworker has been a foster parent, so she was given our file specifically. She explained to us that kids in foster care have been abused and neglected, and that is why they are there. She didnt mince words - she warned us she wouldn't. We knew going in to the meeting most of the things, but she really wanted to underscore what we were applying for. Also the importance of ongoing therapy and post adoption services, which LCFS has lots of resources. Catholic Charities does as well, and you need not have adopted the children through them to get services.
The interviews are about a five week long process - beginning yesterday with Jerry and I meeting her in her office. Next week she comes to our house to meet with us again and do a preliminary inspection. The week after I meet with her one on one, the week after Jerry does. Then a week after that we both meet with her again and she finalizes the home inspection. All on weekdays during business hours. This no doubt prepares us to relegate our schedule completely to the children when they arrive, but we are lucky we have a very understanding employer. It will be a lot of time off of work.
After that we have to take 27 hours of foster care education - it is a requirement by IL DCFS. I'm still a little fuzzy on how we find classes to take - though for me its yay more school. Our caseworker said that takes about 5 weeks, and then she needs 6 - 8 weeks to write up our home study. I always thought the home study was literally walking around your house making sure there is space and smoke detectors and such, but its actually the entire process of vetting us as potential parents. So after we complete the process and she writes it up, about four months, we will then be able to select potential children to adopt. Apparently selection occurs on websites run by the states for waiting children. Jerry and I met on the internet, we found the shelter we got Skipper from on the internet...why not find our kids there too? :)
So now that we are deciding whether to squish the kids in the Jetta or do the unthinkable and buy a minivan, we've decided to check out some schools in the area. If someone knows a Polish-English day school, please let me know... We've found Spanish, but that isn't going to help me figure out how many times Jerry's mom is ACTUALLY calling me fat!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
TB or not TB
Our physical exams out of the way and both declared TB free, Jerry and I have actually completed the very long application and are mailing it today. We didnt think it would take that long - though I'm guessing that for those of you who have ever made plans to go somewhere with us, the fact that we were late is no surprise.
What we mailed in was our physical forms, receipts from fingerprinting, an application for LCFS and one for DCFS and a fillion disclaimers that we had to sign. Everything from HIPPA laws to authorizations to foster care agreements. I don't think we signed this much paperwork since we refinanced our house! Once this application is received they will call us in for an initial interview and then we can begin the home study. Their charges are by the hour - so we had to pay a $1500 retainer. We will get bills in the mail showing how the money was allocated. This differs from Catholic Charities as different lump sums were due at different times. This way is actually easier for us though - its smaller amounts more frequently. Either way, it isnt just a tax deduction, its a tax credit. We'll get it all back.
Its nice that people ask all the time about our progress. But I feel like I did when I planned my wedding - most of the time its a whole lotta nuthin and then all of a sudden a cascade of events and actual progress. But the time was necessary, and I'm glad actually. In a way entering fully in to the adoption process feels like a finality of the diagnosis of infertility - and we needed that. After Jerry's diagnosis I kind of pushed us full speed ahead thinking that would make everything better. But no matter what we talked about or how excited we got the thoughts still crept in to our head. The reason why, in the first place, we were doing this. And that hurt can color your choices and conversations without you even knowing it. Its not fair to the kids we will adopt to go in to this while still mourning our conditions - or even without knowing that we werent finished mourning. No matter how much you decide it was meant to be and how much these kids need you there can still be a nagging feeling because we won't by some miracle get pregnant during the application, we won't by some miracle get pregnant after the adoption takes place. And I'm pretty sure that we won't, by some miracle, find $100k to make invitro happen. Obviously we knew and felt all of this going in but its ok now. We really had to look at each other and tell each other, It's ok that we cannot have our own biological children and we are so sorry and it hurts like hell sometimes. And you don't always have to focus on the positive and what you can do to change it. We never allowed self-pity...I mean, in general, that is not a good quality! We wanted to look strong and like we had it all figured out and that we could do it. But sometimes before you can move on, you just have to sit there and say, this fucking sucks - it really fucking sucks. We had to acknowledge out loud the suckage and then we could move on. And then its like when someone dies - after a while, everything really is ok. Time really does heal all wounds - even big ones.
So now when we talk about who has to give up their fun German car for a dorky American SUV or minivan, we arent just doing it to busy our minds because we are sad that this is our option. We aren't sad anymore. We talk about it because we are excited that we really are going to be parents and if Robin cant fit two kids in an Accord, how the eff am I going to do it in a Jetta? There is nothing behind the question, its not masking anything. Seriously, how am I? And seriously, how did my grandpa fit all those kids in that station wagon?
What we mailed in was our physical forms, receipts from fingerprinting, an application for LCFS and one for DCFS and a fillion disclaimers that we had to sign. Everything from HIPPA laws to authorizations to foster care agreements. I don't think we signed this much paperwork since we refinanced our house! Once this application is received they will call us in for an initial interview and then we can begin the home study. Their charges are by the hour - so we had to pay a $1500 retainer. We will get bills in the mail showing how the money was allocated. This differs from Catholic Charities as different lump sums were due at different times. This way is actually easier for us though - its smaller amounts more frequently. Either way, it isnt just a tax deduction, its a tax credit. We'll get it all back.
Its nice that people ask all the time about our progress. But I feel like I did when I planned my wedding - most of the time its a whole lotta nuthin and then all of a sudden a cascade of events and actual progress. But the time was necessary, and I'm glad actually. In a way entering fully in to the adoption process feels like a finality of the diagnosis of infertility - and we needed that. After Jerry's diagnosis I kind of pushed us full speed ahead thinking that would make everything better. But no matter what we talked about or how excited we got the thoughts still crept in to our head. The reason why, in the first place, we were doing this. And that hurt can color your choices and conversations without you even knowing it. Its not fair to the kids we will adopt to go in to this while still mourning our conditions - or even without knowing that we werent finished mourning. No matter how much you decide it was meant to be and how much these kids need you there can still be a nagging feeling because we won't by some miracle get pregnant during the application, we won't by some miracle get pregnant after the adoption takes place. And I'm pretty sure that we won't, by some miracle, find $100k to make invitro happen. Obviously we knew and felt all of this going in but its ok now. We really had to look at each other and tell each other, It's ok that we cannot have our own biological children and we are so sorry and it hurts like hell sometimes. And you don't always have to focus on the positive and what you can do to change it. We never allowed self-pity...I mean, in general, that is not a good quality! We wanted to look strong and like we had it all figured out and that we could do it. But sometimes before you can move on, you just have to sit there and say, this fucking sucks - it really fucking sucks. We had to acknowledge out loud the suckage and then we could move on. And then its like when someone dies - after a while, everything really is ok. Time really does heal all wounds - even big ones.
So now when we talk about who has to give up their fun German car for a dorky American SUV or minivan, we arent just doing it to busy our minds because we are sad that this is our option. We aren't sad anymore. We talk about it because we are excited that we really are going to be parents and if Robin cant fit two kids in an Accord, how the eff am I going to do it in a Jetta? There is nothing behind the question, its not masking anything. Seriously, how am I? And seriously, how did my grandpa fit all those kids in that station wagon?
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