TB or not TB

Our physical exams out of the way and both declared TB free, Jerry and I have actually completed the very long application and are mailing it today. We didnt think it would take that long - though I'm guessing that for those of you who have ever made plans to go somewhere with us, the fact that we were late is no surprise.

What we mailed in was our physical forms, receipts from fingerprinting, an application for LCFS and one for DCFS and a fillion disclaimers that we had to sign. Everything from HIPPA laws to authorizations to foster care agreements. I don't think we signed this much paperwork since we refinanced our house! Once this application is received they will call us in for an initial interview and then we can begin the home study. Their charges are by the hour - so we had to pay a $1500 retainer. We will get bills in the mail showing how the money was allocated. This differs from Catholic Charities as different lump sums were due at different times. This way is actually easier for us though - its smaller amounts more frequently. Either way, it isnt just a tax deduction, its a tax credit. We'll get it all back.

Its nice that people ask all the time about our progress. But I feel like I did when I planned my wedding - most of the time its a whole lotta nuthin and then all of a sudden a cascade of events and actual progress. But the time was necessary, and I'm glad actually. In a way entering fully in to the adoption process feels like a finality of the diagnosis of infertility - and we needed that. After Jerry's diagnosis I kind of pushed us full speed ahead thinking that would make everything better. But no matter what we talked about or how excited we got the thoughts still crept in to our head. The reason why, in the first place, we were doing this. And that hurt can color your choices and conversations without you even knowing it. Its not fair to the kids we will adopt to go in to this while still mourning our conditions - or even without knowing that we werent finished mourning. No matter how much you decide it was meant to be and how much these kids need you there can still be a nagging feeling because we won't by some miracle get pregnant during the application, we won't by some miracle get pregnant after the adoption takes place. And I'm pretty sure that we won't, by some miracle, find $100k to make invitro happen. Obviously we knew and felt all of this going in but its ok now. We really had to look at each other and tell each other, It's ok that we cannot have our own biological children and we are so sorry and it hurts like hell sometimes. And you don't always have to focus on the positive and what you can do to change it. We never allowed self-pity...I mean, in general, that is not a good quality! We wanted to look strong and like we had it all figured out and that we could do it. But sometimes before you can move on, you just have to sit there and say, this fucking sucks - it really fucking sucks. We had to acknowledge out loud the suckage and then we could move on. And then its like when someone dies - after a while, everything really is ok. Time really does heal all wounds - even big ones.

So now when we talk about who has to give up their fun German car for a dorky American SUV or minivan, we arent just doing it to busy our minds because we are sad that this is our option. We aren't sad anymore. We talk about it because we are excited that we really are going to be parents and if Robin cant fit two kids in an Accord, how the eff am I going to do it in a Jetta? There is nothing behind the question, its not masking anything. Seriously, how am I? And seriously, how did my grandpa fit all those kids in that station wagon?