Classes 7 & 8 this past Saturday. Jerry and I were looking forward to it because they said that a lot of the conversation would be about adoption. Now that I am sitting here thinking about it, I cant remember half of what was said. I don't mean to make light of it because I know they need to make sure we aren't degenerates. And the trainers are really nice women who care about what they do and they have the life experience that in my mind gives them credibility. I enjoy their stories because they are real, and they are real life applications of what we are learning. Yet the material can still get so repetitive and so boring - add to that you are sitting there for 6 hours. I unintentionally tune out sometimes, or my mind goes on its little trips. Jerry calls it "blinky lights" - I see or hear something that distracts me and I tune out.
So what I can recollect, they talked about making the transition as easy as possible for the child, how to make your home a safe environment, and common mistakes that people make. They also had us write out what we do in a day now, and how we anticipate it changing. Most of the people have kids already so they understand, the trainer joked with me and Jerry that we need to help Skipper because his schedule may change (she obviously doesn't know my dog - like his momma when its time to eat, its time to EAT!).
I think we get that part - I know you don't know until it happens exactly how much kids change your life. We have witnessed first hand how much it changes peoples' lives. And they always say, well thats different. With you it its different. Again I wanted to say, NO EFFIN DOY. But still I am from a big family and have a brother who had a major illness and people all around me have kids! What they've been through obviously will make things challenging - but they are still kids. Sometimes it feels like the trainers and social workers are going to be placing Martians in our home. But I guess that's ok, I kind of live with one already...
Monday, May 17, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Pie
Classes 5 & 6 this week, and we had a presenter filling in for our normal instructor. She was really great and funny, and the time passed pretty quick. Oh and they let us out early because its Mother's Day weekend. I suppose because I got home so early that Saturday I left Skipper no chance to go out and get me a Mother's Day present. But he made me some in the back yard, and dug a 3rd hole. You can now see about 18" of the deck footing... that dog is SO lucky he's cute!
So its Tuesday and here is what I remember from the class. We talked FOREVER about time outs. I consulted with my sister and she said that, in fact, the way they taught us and the way she does it is the same, and it has the desired effect on my nephew. When I asked my nephew what he thought about time outs and if they were effective, he furrowed his brow, frowned and said, "no." We also talked about spanking - you have to sign a bunch of stuff saying that you wont use corporal punishment. Besides time outs they have a lot of other techniques like talking it out, seeing psychologists, getting them involved in sports, etc. Let me say that I totally agree that violence begets violence, but I chuckled to myself thinking what my grandpa would think of all this. He once whacked my sister with a broom for saying "fart."
Anywho, there is a list of things you have to agree to in regards to punishment besides not hitting. You cant take away a meal as punishment (*believe me* coming from my family i would NEVER get between someone and their food). So they then pose the question, can you take away dessert? Not if it is a regular part of the meal. If after every dinner you have dessert, you cant take it away. But if its something you only do once in a while as a treat, then you can. But not on a holiday (which is, once in a while and a treat) because probably every body is gorging on pie and cake and candy and you can't single the kid out. For a program that is so general, this is very specific! But it all goes back to the homes they come from, where most likely food was used as a punishment, or not eating was part of their neglect, etc. But still, the threat of no pie has very coercive effects on me!
Digesting the info has not gotten easier. Especially since they keep talking about fostering and keeping the birth family involved. Next Saturday they say that we will talk about adoption. That I am looking forward to, and I hope that there will be some new information. I can't imagine that it will be easier, but at least it will be directly applicable to our situation. We'll see!
So its Tuesday and here is what I remember from the class. We talked FOREVER about time outs. I consulted with my sister and she said that, in fact, the way they taught us and the way she does it is the same, and it has the desired effect on my nephew. When I asked my nephew what he thought about time outs and if they were effective, he furrowed his brow, frowned and said, "no." We also talked about spanking - you have to sign a bunch of stuff saying that you wont use corporal punishment. Besides time outs they have a lot of other techniques like talking it out, seeing psychologists, getting them involved in sports, etc. Let me say that I totally agree that violence begets violence, but I chuckled to myself thinking what my grandpa would think of all this. He once whacked my sister with a broom for saying "fart."
Anywho, there is a list of things you have to agree to in regards to punishment besides not hitting. You cant take away a meal as punishment (*believe me* coming from my family i would NEVER get between someone and their food). So they then pose the question, can you take away dessert? Not if it is a regular part of the meal. If after every dinner you have dessert, you cant take it away. But if its something you only do once in a while as a treat, then you can. But not on a holiday (which is, once in a while and a treat) because probably every body is gorging on pie and cake and candy and you can't single the kid out. For a program that is so general, this is very specific! But it all goes back to the homes they come from, where most likely food was used as a punishment, or not eating was part of their neglect, etc. But still, the threat of no pie has very coercive effects on me!
Digesting the info has not gotten easier. Especially since they keep talking about fostering and keeping the birth family involved. Next Saturday they say that we will talk about adoption. That I am looking forward to, and I hope that there will be some new information. I can't imagine that it will be easier, but at least it will be directly applicable to our situation. We'll see!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
So we had classes 3 and 4 this past Saturday. I wanted to write on Sunday but I am still at a loss on what to write about it. I came out after 6 hours and still was able to explain little to friends at dinner that night. I don't know if it is because often times the things they say cause my brain to go off on its on tangent or if its too heavy for me sometimes. Probably both. Jerry is really enjoying it and really feels he is learning a lot - which I am very happy for.
They talked about abuse and neglect that leads children in to state care and the long lasting effects it can have, and how it can cause emotional and behavioral issues and learning disabilities. They didn't really go in to why - I mean, you think to yourself, of course I know why. But I know, for example, that doing basic things for babies will make them trust you. My sister told me to feed my nephew because then he will learn to trust me because he identifies me as someone who meets his needs. That makes a lot of sense to me - but the instructors stopped short of saying that. They read a story about two babies, one who cried and his parents came running and one who cried and didn't get a response. Long story short, the first baby learns the world is loving and trusting and the second baby learns the opposite. Basically it was like, birthparent does X, baby learns Y. If X is neglect or abuse, Y will result in behavior, emotional, learning disorders. But WHY. I think its odd that DCFS sends me to a class to learn about this stuff and I learned more feeding my nephew.
Which leads me to my next point. They gave an example of a couple that wanted children but couldn't have them. Lets say, me and Jerry. This couple has friends/family who have children. Lets say Robin and Eric. So in their example me and Jerry are there for Robbie and Erin's important events, we spend time with them, visit them, play with them, babysit them. Does this prepare us to adopt? Their contention is no, it does not. Robbie and Erin have two parents that love them, a mom that stays home with them, they bonded and attached normally, their development is on schedule (or ahead), etc. So I can not expect children like Robbie and Erin. I couldnt say this in class, so I am going to say it now...NO EFFING DUH. Do people really go in to this thinking that the kids they will adopt will be Robbie and Erin? Seriously???
But even so, I have learned so much about what an attachment should look like by watching those kids - you think you know what normal is and should be but it puts a new perspective on it watching it up close (normal can be such a subjective term but you know what I mean). And having seen a normal and loving attachment, I think I am prepared to understand what that means when that doesn't happen. I think it makes me more compassionate and more willing to work with the child because man, shouldn't every kid get the love and support and affection that Robbie and Erin get? No, I don't know *exactly* how the child will react, behave, misbehave, etc in a given situation. But give me constructive tools and methods that have worked in other situations - don't just tell me to seek a therapist, talk to the school, keep in touch with the foster family. All of that is fine, but I need to sit in 27 hours of class to learn that?
It turns out my very perfect nephew did not adjust to his new sister as smoothly as could have been hoped. And its been a tough year for the poor guy (though his sister smiles no matter what!) but watching him, and listening to my sister's trials and tribulations, and her conversations with other moms have been utterly enlightening. Good thing I actually have someone I can actually learn from.
Now let's just hope she babysits.
They talked about abuse and neglect that leads children in to state care and the long lasting effects it can have, and how it can cause emotional and behavioral issues and learning disabilities. They didn't really go in to why - I mean, you think to yourself, of course I know why. But I know, for example, that doing basic things for babies will make them trust you. My sister told me to feed my nephew because then he will learn to trust me because he identifies me as someone who meets his needs. That makes a lot of sense to me - but the instructors stopped short of saying that. They read a story about two babies, one who cried and his parents came running and one who cried and didn't get a response. Long story short, the first baby learns the world is loving and trusting and the second baby learns the opposite. Basically it was like, birthparent does X, baby learns Y. If X is neglect or abuse, Y will result in behavior, emotional, learning disorders. But WHY. I think its odd that DCFS sends me to a class to learn about this stuff and I learned more feeding my nephew.
Which leads me to my next point. They gave an example of a couple that wanted children but couldn't have them. Lets say, me and Jerry. This couple has friends/family who have children. Lets say Robin and Eric. So in their example me and Jerry are there for Robbie and Erin's important events, we spend time with them, visit them, play with them, babysit them. Does this prepare us to adopt? Their contention is no, it does not. Robbie and Erin have two parents that love them, a mom that stays home with them, they bonded and attached normally, their development is on schedule (or ahead), etc. So I can not expect children like Robbie and Erin. I couldnt say this in class, so I am going to say it now...NO EFFING DUH. Do people really go in to this thinking that the kids they will adopt will be Robbie and Erin? Seriously???
But even so, I have learned so much about what an attachment should look like by watching those kids - you think you know what normal is and should be but it puts a new perspective on it watching it up close (normal can be such a subjective term but you know what I mean). And having seen a normal and loving attachment, I think I am prepared to understand what that means when that doesn't happen. I think it makes me more compassionate and more willing to work with the child because man, shouldn't every kid get the love and support and affection that Robbie and Erin get? No, I don't know *exactly* how the child will react, behave, misbehave, etc in a given situation. But give me constructive tools and methods that have worked in other situations - don't just tell me to seek a therapist, talk to the school, keep in touch with the foster family. All of that is fine, but I need to sit in 27 hours of class to learn that?
It turns out my very perfect nephew did not adjust to his new sister as smoothly as could have been hoped. And its been a tough year for the poor guy (though his sister smiles no matter what!) but watching him, and listening to my sister's trials and tribulations, and her conversations with other moms have been utterly enlightening. Good thing I actually have someone I can actually learn from.
Now let's just hope she babysits.
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