So we took a little break from thinking and wondering and worrying and thinking we were undeserving self-obsessed a-holes. Going through this will do that to you! And now we are refreshed and have our heads in order (well as much as they can be) and have explored a little more into our options. And what do you know, its completely different than everything I've been told and/or red. At this point, I almost expect that.
I called Lutheran Child and Family Services, which is apparently different than Lutheran Social Services. I knew that they did not do inter-country adoption, but we were still interested in adopting from foster care here in IL. My experience with the agency assigned us by DHHS was not so good as you may remember, and we were uncertain whether you were just stuck with who you got assigned to or if you could choose another. When I spoke to the rep at LCFS, I learned that you could choose a different agency. But she needed to clear up some things I may have heard about adoption.
Let me first start off by saying the rep was really nice - she was very upfront and spit out all the facts which she said made people think she was being abrasive, but I was very thankful for. In Illinois there is no straight adoption from foster care. You have to become a foster parent, and if that child becomes eligible for adoption while under your care, you get first dibs. How do you get that child? Illinois DCFS assigns foster children by ZIP CODE! So if the kid comes from 60016 then he/she stays in 60016. Some areas have more families than children, and so it could be years before a child is placed with us, and then no guarantee whatsoever they will become eligible for adoption (the goal is always reunification with the family). So you see the problem for Jerry and I, because we are looking to create a family (in the future we'd like to foster, but we should get some experience as parents first!). So our options inside IL are to foster and hope to adopt or newborn. No and no.
The LCFS rep said that inter-state adoption is an option. It is similiar to inter-country adoption in that all options within the state have been exhausted for these children, and so they are going outside to find families. Most have been abused (physically, mentally and sexually) and neglected. Most have learning, behavioral and developmental disabilities. They may have siblings adopted by other families that they are disconnected from. We are okay with that now. We know we will do what we can with what we have, and the family that we build will be beautiful.
But we do have a decision, to pursue our original desire of adopting from Poland or do inter-state. Though Skipper sure loves being the center of attention...
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
I had a dream the other night that I was told there were no more kids to adopt because all of them had been taken in by their relatives and they didnt need strangers anymore.
We went into this adoption process so sure of ourselves and what we were doing. But it brings feelings and emotions and questions that we never thought about. Its all been mish-mashing in our heads and thats why its taken me a while to write. I started this blog to give updates on the stages in the process but realized quickly that I had to share as well what we were going through mentally and emotionally. Its hard sometimes because as cathartic as sharing can be, I worry about people thinking the wrong things of me when I write (namely that I'm a jerk). Someone once tried to insult me by saying that my courage was in my keyboard. I didnt understand really why that should be insulting because deep in the ruminations of your own mind there are some things that you just dont want to speak out loud. And for me its finally admitting that this is really very hard for both of us. the emotional roller coaster you ride when the child comes from a service and not your body is so different. Not better or worse, not easier or harder - just different.
We received a call from Adoption Services of Illinois. (Lutheran Social Services never called me back, even though I left two messages for them. I guess my voice doesnt sound parent-y enough for them.) When we filled out information request form at AdoptUsKids, we received a letter back from them saying that we would be referred to an agency in Illinois. AdoptUsKids is the federally funded organization that helps kids in the foster care system find permanent homes. But since the foster care systems themselves are state run, you are referred to an agency in your state. Though that doesnt mean that you cannot adopt a child from another state, but from what i've read and been told they do everything in their power to keep children in their states. It makes sense - they may have siblings or extended family near by.
So ASI called. You are assigned to an agency by the county in which you live. You have no control over it, and from what I gather, neither does the agency, and you cant switch. There would be no point in it really it seems - they all have the same mission. I was asked earlier if what child I was looking for when I called AdoptUsKids. Boy, girl, age, race, special needs. Now I came of age during the birth of the political correctness era and it was really hard for me to answer those questions. Plus, it really just felt to weird to pick the kid you want. It felt like the movie Annie, only Shirley Temple wasnt there to guide my choices. I was sent a letter confirming my responses and so when the caseworker from ASI called, I shouldnt have been surprised when she went over it.
But it was so hard for me and Jerry. This is something parents who procreate do not have to think about. If my parents knew my brother was going to get Leukemia at age 2, would anything be different? How could I ask such a question, right? But that is essentially what we are being asked to do. My parents had their baby boy and they took care of them and their wonderful family took care of us. My brother lived and is a healthy young man now (and it turns out neither radiation nor chemotherapy has any long term effects on facial hair). So if they knew he would get Leukemia, but then knew he would be fine, would they change their answer? I mean, seriously, these are fucked up things to have to think about.
And I don't want to think about them and neither does Jerry. We want to adopt and let the rest happen like any other parent. But we are being forced to consider what we think we can handle and what "kind" of child we could be good parents to. They sit with you and look you in the eyes and ask you these questions and wait long pauses for you to give them an answer. This is not how we evolved to be - the bonding takes place at birth so that you love them no matter what. Barbara told me when she had Liam one of her first instincts was just that she loved him so much that she just wanted all good things for him and for him to have a good life. You are supposed to fall in love with them and have these attachments because thats what parents do. I like to imagine the parents of these children thinking the same thing as Barbara, doing the hard thing and letting someone else raise their child for the good of the child.
There are lots of adoptive parents out there who pick their potential child's traits off of a list. So much so that if you are white and you do not want to adopt minority children, the Illinois foster care system will kindly tell you not to apply. The same thing if you want a child under age 8. And if you specify that you do not want a special needs child of any kind (this includes sibling groups) they will tell you to apply but caution that rarely do children who have been through the foster care system get out unscathed. Its something we all have heard about foster care, but no one really thinks about deeply.
So though Jerry and I are in our 30s, we are a young couple and we have been busying ourselves assembling things that young couples do. Education, jobs, house (and dog that likes to binge and purge on halloween candy). We've built a nice life for ourselves but are we good enough people to be good parents to a 10 year old hispanic boy with learning disabilities and an emotional disorder? Wouldnt he be better off with a family that has some experience with parenting? What if I do not know enough and I screw up his life rather than make it better? Or is my best better than not being adopted at all and having to age out of the system? I just want the best for him, and for him to have a good life. But how do I know that is with me?
We went into this adoption process so sure of ourselves and what we were doing. But it brings feelings and emotions and questions that we never thought about. Its all been mish-mashing in our heads and thats why its taken me a while to write. I started this blog to give updates on the stages in the process but realized quickly that I had to share as well what we were going through mentally and emotionally. Its hard sometimes because as cathartic as sharing can be, I worry about people thinking the wrong things of me when I write (namely that I'm a jerk). Someone once tried to insult me by saying that my courage was in my keyboard. I didnt understand really why that should be insulting because deep in the ruminations of your own mind there are some things that you just dont want to speak out loud. And for me its finally admitting that this is really very hard for both of us. the emotional roller coaster you ride when the child comes from a service and not your body is so different. Not better or worse, not easier or harder - just different.
We received a call from Adoption Services of Illinois. (Lutheran Social Services never called me back, even though I left two messages for them. I guess my voice doesnt sound parent-y enough for them.) When we filled out information request form at AdoptUsKids, we received a letter back from them saying that we would be referred to an agency in Illinois. AdoptUsKids is the federally funded organization that helps kids in the foster care system find permanent homes. But since the foster care systems themselves are state run, you are referred to an agency in your state. Though that doesnt mean that you cannot adopt a child from another state, but from what i've read and been told they do everything in their power to keep children in their states. It makes sense - they may have siblings or extended family near by.
So ASI called. You are assigned to an agency by the county in which you live. You have no control over it, and from what I gather, neither does the agency, and you cant switch. There would be no point in it really it seems - they all have the same mission. I was asked earlier if what child I was looking for when I called AdoptUsKids. Boy, girl, age, race, special needs. Now I came of age during the birth of the political correctness era and it was really hard for me to answer those questions. Plus, it really just felt to weird to pick the kid you want. It felt like the movie Annie, only Shirley Temple wasnt there to guide my choices. I was sent a letter confirming my responses and so when the caseworker from ASI called, I shouldnt have been surprised when she went over it.
But it was so hard for me and Jerry. This is something parents who procreate do not have to think about. If my parents knew my brother was going to get Leukemia at age 2, would anything be different? How could I ask such a question, right? But that is essentially what we are being asked to do. My parents had their baby boy and they took care of them and their wonderful family took care of us. My brother lived and is a healthy young man now (and it turns out neither radiation nor chemotherapy has any long term effects on facial hair). So if they knew he would get Leukemia, but then knew he would be fine, would they change their answer? I mean, seriously, these are fucked up things to have to think about.
And I don't want to think about them and neither does Jerry. We want to adopt and let the rest happen like any other parent. But we are being forced to consider what we think we can handle and what "kind" of child we could be good parents to. They sit with you and look you in the eyes and ask you these questions and wait long pauses for you to give them an answer. This is not how we evolved to be - the bonding takes place at birth so that you love them no matter what. Barbara told me when she had Liam one of her first instincts was just that she loved him so much that she just wanted all good things for him and for him to have a good life. You are supposed to fall in love with them and have these attachments because thats what parents do. I like to imagine the parents of these children thinking the same thing as Barbara, doing the hard thing and letting someone else raise their child for the good of the child.
There are lots of adoptive parents out there who pick their potential child's traits off of a list. So much so that if you are white and you do not want to adopt minority children, the Illinois foster care system will kindly tell you not to apply. The same thing if you want a child under age 8. And if you specify that you do not want a special needs child of any kind (this includes sibling groups) they will tell you to apply but caution that rarely do children who have been through the foster care system get out unscathed. Its something we all have heard about foster care, but no one really thinks about deeply.
So though Jerry and I are in our 30s, we are a young couple and we have been busying ourselves assembling things that young couples do. Education, jobs, house (and dog that likes to binge and purge on halloween candy). We've built a nice life for ourselves but are we good enough people to be good parents to a 10 year old hispanic boy with learning disabilities and an emotional disorder? Wouldnt he be better off with a family that has some experience with parenting? What if I do not know enough and I screw up his life rather than make it better? Or is my best better than not being adopted at all and having to age out of the system? I just want the best for him, and for him to have a good life. But how do I know that is with me?
Thursday, November 12, 2009
A Fillion Phone Calls
We received a call back from AdoptUsKids, the agency run by DHS to help foster kids get adopted. They took some basic info and said they would refer us to an agency in Illinois. She said to adopt from foster care in Illinois, the children start around age 8. In order to be eligible for adoption, the kids had to have been in foster care for 18 of the past 22 months, and some sort of parental rights termination has to have taken place. I don't know why they start at 8 years old - my guess is that the kids are entering the system later, or they are trying harder to reunite them. Maybe I have to be a platinum member or something (don't they know Jerry is premier???).
You know, I wanted to go back to school - but I'm about to get a degree in adoption!
I called Lutheran Social Services of Illinois as well - I am halfsies, after all. They came recommended by a friend and I also saw many recommendations when I was researching it. It seems to be the MO that no one ever answers the phone. But when I left a message the woman's title was "Foster Parent Recruiter." I thought it was cute. After all this research and work and trying to find a child, it was kind of nice to think at the same time the kids are looking for us too.
Off to the races in San Antonio, TX - for my dear Auntie Nancy, who will soon be my running partner...:)
You know, I wanted to go back to school - but I'm about to get a degree in adoption!
I called Lutheran Social Services of Illinois as well - I am halfsies, after all. They came recommended by a friend and I also saw many recommendations when I was researching it. It seems to be the MO that no one ever answers the phone. But when I left a message the woman's title was "Foster Parent Recruiter." I thought it was cute. After all this research and work and trying to find a child, it was kind of nice to think at the same time the kids are looking for us too.
Off to the races in San Antonio, TX - for my dear Auntie Nancy, who will soon be my running partner...:)
Monday, November 9, 2009
First Meeting
We met with our caseworker today. Her name is Daiva and she was so sweet and so nice and really made us feel at home. She answered all of our questions and explained everything. Its too bad we'll probably never see her again.
We've decided to do domestic foster care adoption, and Catholic Charities does not do that. They used to, Daiva told us, but insurance rates got to be too high and now they only do infant adoption and intercountry adoption. So basically, we have to start all over again with a US agency. Its really annoying, if I'm honest. Its already been three months since our initial informational meeting. And there is nothing salvageable from the process, but that is because we didn't get to far. So, at least we didn't get to far.
So we will start again, with AdoptUsKids, which is run by the US Dept of Health and Human Services. It is dedicated to finding forever homes for kids in foster care.
At least this time we can utilize resources offered from The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption. Yes, it all leads back to Wendy's.
We've decided to do domestic foster care adoption, and Catholic Charities does not do that. They used to, Daiva told us, but insurance rates got to be too high and now they only do infant adoption and intercountry adoption. So basically, we have to start all over again with a US agency. Its really annoying, if I'm honest. Its already been three months since our initial informational meeting. And there is nothing salvageable from the process, but that is because we didn't get to far. So, at least we didn't get to far.
So we will start again, with AdoptUsKids, which is run by the US Dept of Health and Human Services. It is dedicated to finding forever homes for kids in foster care.
At least this time we can utilize resources offered from The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption. Yes, it all leads back to Wendy's.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Mental holes
We got a phone call today from our caseworker at Catholic Charities to schedule our first interview. We are going at 4pm on Monday, Nov 9. We have to bring the paperwork they sent us, and she said there will be more as well. She'll also go over the process with us, how to get all the paperwork together, to do the home study, etc. I guess we will also find out exactly what the process entails.
So I'm not having the best week. My job is making me mental, my car gets towed, Skipper gets in to the Halloween candy and then pukes wrappers on my bed and Jerry drills a hole through his finger - literally. As I type this Skipper is insisting that I pet him - not Jerry, me. He is in the midst of Shed-athon 2009, by the way. Jerry is howling at him to get him to bark - which he has done exactly three times since we got him in February. It makes me worry sometimes about being a good parent when we are clearly in need of some parenting ourselves.
We adopted Skipper from the Buddy Foundation in Arlington Heights. We saw puppies and pretty poodles and 40lb average dog. And then this guy comes lumbering in the room, with his cross eyes, dry nose and meth mouth. They weren't sure how old he was - anywhere from 7 to 12, but probably 10 and 90lbs. He is half lab/half golden they say, but looks like he has some hound in him. And he just leans on me, leans on Jerry and is just so happy to be petted. We felt like he adopted us. He's a really good dog but has shown his mischievous side: he jumped over the 3' gate, bit a skunk, loves to run through the garden when its wet, insists on sleeping between us in bed and wakes me up at 5:30 every morning because he wants breakfast. He sticks his nose in my face and then licks me, and if I roll over he starts whimpering until I get up.
It sounds ludicrous I know, but it really gave us hope and inspiration to adopt children. Its this big huge long process and can really feel overwhelming at times. But Skipper is a sign I think sometimes, that its all going to work out.
As long as Jerry doesn't drill a hole through anything else.
So I'm not having the best week. My job is making me mental, my car gets towed, Skipper gets in to the Halloween candy and then pukes wrappers on my bed and Jerry drills a hole through his finger - literally. As I type this Skipper is insisting that I pet him - not Jerry, me. He is in the midst of Shed-athon 2009, by the way. Jerry is howling at him to get him to bark - which he has done exactly three times since we got him in February. It makes me worry sometimes about being a good parent when we are clearly in need of some parenting ourselves.
We adopted Skipper from the Buddy Foundation in Arlington Heights. We saw puppies and pretty poodles and 40lb average dog. And then this guy comes lumbering in the room, with his cross eyes, dry nose and meth mouth. They weren't sure how old he was - anywhere from 7 to 12, but probably 10 and 90lbs. He is half lab/half golden they say, but looks like he has some hound in him. And he just leans on me, leans on Jerry and is just so happy to be petted. We felt like he adopted us. He's a really good dog but has shown his mischievous side: he jumped over the 3' gate, bit a skunk, loves to run through the garden when its wet, insists on sleeping between us in bed and wakes me up at 5:30 every morning because he wants breakfast. He sticks his nose in my face and then licks me, and if I roll over he starts whimpering until I get up.
It sounds ludicrous I know, but it really gave us hope and inspiration to adopt children. Its this big huge long process and can really feel overwhelming at times. But Skipper is a sign I think sometimes, that its all going to work out.
As long as Jerry doesn't drill a hole through anything else.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Check #935
Today we received our intake packet from Catholic Charities. I think it means our initial application was approved, but I'm not really sure. We received some forms - consent for services, DCFS Rights & Responsibilities for Adoptive Parents, Maternity Adoption Department Rights & Responsibilities and an Adoption Service Agreement. It all looks like required paperwork - just the tip of what I feel will be mounds of paperwork. Our initial application was pretty thorough - names, dates, relatives, references (so, uh, if someone calls you just tell them I'm such a good mommy to Skipper that I can try humans now). $275 fee. They wanted birth certificates too - and marriage. And a photo of us and "any animal that is large." Skipper in, the skunk he bit is out.
We are asking the home study to approve us for up to 4 children. We'd like a sibling group - we would definitely refuse to break one up which is why we are getting approved for so many. I think 2 or 3 would be nice. Jerry calls it "family in a can." Jen will call it insanity. Robin will call it babysitters.
I started reading the consent for services, which is specific for "intercountry." Why did we choose Poland people ask. Jerry is from there but more importantly I would now have some mini-translators to tell me every single time Jerry's mom calls me fat. Jerry came here when he was 11 and he could help them transition - he would be perfect. His father still lives there and would love grandchildren he could speak to. Poland is a signatory to the Hague Treaty, which basically states that they will do what is best for the child first and foremost, and will exhaust all possibilities in country before they send the children abroad. But still, is living with us in the US worth ripping them from their country, extended family, language, culture, etc. I'm not exactly walking distance to Belmont & Central (though at present there are no less than 4 Polish flags in my house, 3 actually from Poland). I do, however, think in all honesty we could give them a great home without them having to severe from their culture. And since Babcia lives across the street, we got it in the bag.
But it nags at me that there are so many needy children in my community. If we adopt a child in the US from foster care (non-infant adoptions are almost always from foster care) we can provide continuity for a child in Cook County. We take a child out of the foster care system and give them a forever home. Their extended family will probably be near and any siblings if adopted separately (preference is given to adoptive parents in a close geographical region). Any foster home or foster siblings would most likely be near. If they are Cubs fans they can still be Cubs fans. If they are Sox fans well, too much continuity is overrated.
The costs associated when adopting a child from foster care are way less, and federal and state government offer different kinds of aid. International adoptions are not eligible for aid. It makes sense - the US government is also a signatory to the Hague Treaty, and they will take care of children inside of their own foster system first (and AIG, Bank of America, Big Auto, people who didn't buy fuel efficient cars, first time home buyers...really why don't they offer aid for international adoptions???). Aid comes in the form of monthly subsidies for special needs children, Medicaid and college scholarships and grants.
But its not about the aid its about the child. It all comes down to are we doing the right thing by going overseas. To say Polish children would be ideal because of X reason or American children would be better for Y reason makes me a colossal douche. Its not up to us to decide the worthy. Its up to us to find the children who were meant to be with us.
But shreezus would I love it if I had more than just Jerry telling me what everyone is saying all the time.
We are asking the home study to approve us for up to 4 children. We'd like a sibling group - we would definitely refuse to break one up which is why we are getting approved for so many. I think 2 or 3 would be nice. Jerry calls it "family in a can." Jen will call it insanity. Robin will call it babysitters.
I started reading the consent for services, which is specific for "intercountry." Why did we choose Poland people ask. Jerry is from there but more importantly I would now have some mini-translators to tell me every single time Jerry's mom calls me fat. Jerry came here when he was 11 and he could help them transition - he would be perfect. His father still lives there and would love grandchildren he could speak to. Poland is a signatory to the Hague Treaty, which basically states that they will do what is best for the child first and foremost, and will exhaust all possibilities in country before they send the children abroad. But still, is living with us in the US worth ripping them from their country, extended family, language, culture, etc. I'm not exactly walking distance to Belmont & Central (though at present there are no less than 4 Polish flags in my house, 3 actually from Poland). I do, however, think in all honesty we could give them a great home without them having to severe from their culture. And since Babcia lives across the street, we got it in the bag.
But it nags at me that there are so many needy children in my community. If we adopt a child in the US from foster care (non-infant adoptions are almost always from foster care) we can provide continuity for a child in Cook County. We take a child out of the foster care system and give them a forever home. Their extended family will probably be near and any siblings if adopted separately (preference is given to adoptive parents in a close geographical region). Any foster home or foster siblings would most likely be near. If they are Cubs fans they can still be Cubs fans. If they are Sox fans well, too much continuity is overrated.
The costs associated when adopting a child from foster care are way less, and federal and state government offer different kinds of aid. International adoptions are not eligible for aid. It makes sense - the US government is also a signatory to the Hague Treaty, and they will take care of children inside of their own foster system first (and AIG, Bank of America, Big Auto, people who didn't buy fuel efficient cars, first time home buyers...really why don't they offer aid for international adoptions???). Aid comes in the form of monthly subsidies for special needs children, Medicaid and college scholarships and grants.
But its not about the aid its about the child. It all comes down to are we doing the right thing by going overseas. To say Polish children would be ideal because of X reason or American children would be better for Y reason makes me a colossal douche. Its not up to us to decide the worthy. Its up to us to find the children who were meant to be with us.
But shreezus would I love it if I had more than just Jerry telling me what everyone is saying all the time.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
In the beginning
Jerry and I are adopting children. Well, trying to anyway. We've finally submitted our application to Catholic Charities, and now we must wait. Skipper is very excited to be a big brother (ok, he is excited to have more people to pet him anyway). I wanted to write this blog to keep everyone up to date - and hopefully inspire others.
It was not how we thought it would happen, but something out there wanted it this way. What are the odds of us ending up together with my lack of uterus and his lack of sperm. When you meet someone online, there is no box to check for reproductive ability (although some of those ads make you wonder). I knew about my condition from a young age - and it even has a fancy name: Mayer-Rokitansky-Kuster-Hauser Syndrome, MRKH for short. How could a name for the absence of something be so long??
I'm not sure that is what they called it 16 years ago when I was 14, but since then doctors have confirmed for me that I do get to claim that sexy title. I'll never forget the day I got the diagnosis - the doctor came in my room, announced to me that I had no uterus, I would never have children, but adoption is an option. My mother wasn't even in the room with me. What kind of doctor would do that? Especially after undergoing so many tests - including chromosome. How painfully awkward are you at 14 and they tell you they have to make sure you are really a girl! Fear not, I passed (though my siblings may sometimes wonder). My mom says I didnt really process it, I was more worried about the impending rain storm and the fact I wouldn't get to pitch at the softball game. It was a hard thing to accept, and it took me many years, but I found out so early. To me it seemed lucky - some women think their whole lives all is well and don't know about their own fertility issues until its too late.
But poor Jerry - he didn't know until we went to the clinic. They told me the good news that I had two healthy ovaries and the likelihood of eggs was excellent. We were very happy with this news - I had been told time and time again that I only had one (but I guess when you pay what we were paying, they find the other one!). Jerry had to be, well, analyzed but we just thought it routine and began looking into surrogates. It was not routine. He had many tests as well, including the chromosome test that was so humiliating for me at 14 (he passed too). But every thing came out normal. Non-specific blockage. Poor guy, he doesn't even get a cool name. Just something to do with blanks.
It's not impossible for us to have a biological child. For about $50-60k Jerry could have a biopsy, they could remove the sperm, test & store it, 'mature' it if its not already, remove my egg, store it, mix it and then implant it in to a surrogate who would charge us $30 - 40k. If we were loaded, it might be possible. But we aren't and it begs the question: why? Why go through all of that just to have a child that is genetically related to you? Any baby mama can tell you that DNA a parent does not make.
Therefore, we are left only to believe that we were brought together because there are children that need us. Not just a home but ours in particular. They need to pet Skipper and play playdoh pisketti with Robbie and have Babcia and Honey love them to death. They'll get the greatest biggest craziest family that will love them like the Schroeder-Mouritsen-Zmuda's they really will be.
And so we Googled - I mean, its 2009 - how else were we to find out how to do it? We had looked into adopting here and in Poland and hadn't really made up our minds. My reading and searching led me to a bulletin board where a man named Michael was talking about adopting his son from Poland. He was 10, one year younger than Jerry when he came here. He left his email address and although the post was a year old, I emailed him anyway. Michael emailed and then called me and was really open about his experience - and even more so he was very encouraging. (And of course we are Facebook friends now) He had adopted his son through Catholic Charities. We contacted them, went to an orientation and just knew. We submitted the application package two weeks ago.
Now we wait. But its weird - I look at the basement now and think, there could be two kids sleeping there this time next year. At least we got a bigger boat for them...
It was not how we thought it would happen, but something out there wanted it this way. What are the odds of us ending up together with my lack of uterus and his lack of sperm. When you meet someone online, there is no box to check for reproductive ability (although some of those ads make you wonder). I knew about my condition from a young age - and it even has a fancy name: Mayer-Rokitansky-Kuster-Hauser Syndrome, MRKH for short. How could a name for the absence of something be so long??
I'm not sure that is what they called it 16 years ago when I was 14, but since then doctors have confirmed for me that I do get to claim that sexy title. I'll never forget the day I got the diagnosis - the doctor came in my room, announced to me that I had no uterus, I would never have children, but adoption is an option. My mother wasn't even in the room with me. What kind of doctor would do that? Especially after undergoing so many tests - including chromosome. How painfully awkward are you at 14 and they tell you they have to make sure you are really a girl! Fear not, I passed (though my siblings may sometimes wonder). My mom says I didnt really process it, I was more worried about the impending rain storm and the fact I wouldn't get to pitch at the softball game. It was a hard thing to accept, and it took me many years, but I found out so early. To me it seemed lucky - some women think their whole lives all is well and don't know about their own fertility issues until its too late.
But poor Jerry - he didn't know until we went to the clinic. They told me the good news that I had two healthy ovaries and the likelihood of eggs was excellent. We were very happy with this news - I had been told time and time again that I only had one (but I guess when you pay what we were paying, they find the other one!). Jerry had to be, well, analyzed but we just thought it routine and began looking into surrogates. It was not routine. He had many tests as well, including the chromosome test that was so humiliating for me at 14 (he passed too). But every thing came out normal. Non-specific blockage. Poor guy, he doesn't even get a cool name. Just something to do with blanks.
It's not impossible for us to have a biological child. For about $50-60k Jerry could have a biopsy, they could remove the sperm, test & store it, 'mature' it if its not already, remove my egg, store it, mix it and then implant it in to a surrogate who would charge us $30 - 40k. If we were loaded, it might be possible. But we aren't and it begs the question: why? Why go through all of that just to have a child that is genetically related to you? Any baby mama can tell you that DNA a parent does not make.
Therefore, we are left only to believe that we were brought together because there are children that need us. Not just a home but ours in particular. They need to pet Skipper and play playdoh pisketti with Robbie and have Babcia and Honey love them to death. They'll get the greatest biggest craziest family that will love them like the Schroeder-Mouritsen-Zmuda's they really will be.
And so we Googled - I mean, its 2009 - how else were we to find out how to do it? We had looked into adopting here and in Poland and hadn't really made up our minds. My reading and searching led me to a bulletin board where a man named Michael was talking about adopting his son from Poland. He was 10, one year younger than Jerry when he came here. He left his email address and although the post was a year old, I emailed him anyway. Michael emailed and then called me and was really open about his experience - and even more so he was very encouraging. (And of course we are Facebook friends now) He had adopted his son through Catholic Charities. We contacted them, went to an orientation and just knew. We submitted the application package two weeks ago.
Now we wait. But its weird - I look at the basement now and think, there could be two kids sleeping there this time next year. At least we got a bigger boat for them...
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