I had a dream the other night that I was told there were no more kids to adopt because all of them had been taken in by their relatives and they didnt need strangers anymore.

We went into this adoption process so sure of ourselves and what we were doing. But it brings feelings and emotions and questions that we never thought about. Its all been mish-mashing in our heads and thats why its taken me a while to write. I started this blog to give updates on the stages in the process but realized quickly that I had to share as well what we were going through mentally and emotionally. Its hard sometimes because as cathartic as sharing can be, I worry about people thinking the wrong things of me when I write (namely that I'm a jerk). Someone once tried to insult me by saying that my courage was in my keyboard. I didnt understand really why that should be insulting because deep in the ruminations of your own mind there are some things that you just dont want to speak out loud. And for me its finally admitting that this is really very hard for both of us. the emotional roller coaster you ride when the child comes from a service and not your body is so different. Not better or worse, not easier or harder - just different.

We received a call from Adoption Services of Illinois. (Lutheran Social Services never called me back, even though I left two messages for them. I guess my voice doesnt sound parent-y enough for them.) When we filled out information request form at AdoptUsKids, we received a letter back from them saying that we would be referred to an agency in Illinois. AdoptUsKids is the federally funded organization that helps kids in the foster care system find permanent homes. But since the foster care systems themselves are state run, you are referred to an agency in your state. Though that doesnt mean that you cannot adopt a child from another state, but from what i've read and been told they do everything in their power to keep children in their states. It makes sense - they may have siblings or extended family near by.

So ASI called. You are assigned to an agency by the county in which you live. You have no control over it, and from what I gather, neither does the agency, and you cant switch. There would be no point in it really it seems - they all have the same mission. I was asked earlier if what child I was looking for when I called AdoptUsKids. Boy, girl, age, race, special needs. Now I came of age during the birth of the political correctness era and it was really hard for me to answer those questions. Plus, it really just felt to weird to pick the kid you want. It felt like the movie Annie, only Shirley Temple wasnt there to guide my choices. I was sent a letter confirming my responses and so when the caseworker from ASI called, I shouldnt have been surprised when she went over it.

But it was so hard for me and Jerry. This is something parents who procreate do not have to think about. If my parents knew my brother was going to get Leukemia at age 2, would anything be different? How could I ask such a question, right? But that is essentially what we are being asked to do. My parents had their baby boy and they took care of them and their wonderful family took care of us. My brother lived and is a healthy young man now (and it turns out neither radiation nor chemotherapy has any long term effects on facial hair). So if they knew he would get Leukemia, but then knew he would be fine, would they change their answer? I mean, seriously, these are fucked up things to have to think about.

And I don't want to think about them and neither does Jerry. We want to adopt and let the rest happen like any other parent. But we are being forced to consider what we think we can handle and what "kind" of child we could be good parents to. They sit with you and look you in the eyes and ask you these questions and wait long pauses for you to give them an answer. This is not how we evolved to be - the bonding takes place at birth so that you love them no matter what. Barbara told me when she had Liam one of her first instincts was just that she loved him so much that she just wanted all good things for him and for him to have a good life. You are supposed to fall in love with them and have these attachments because thats what parents do. I like to imagine the parents of these children thinking the same thing as Barbara, doing the hard thing and letting someone else raise their child for the good of the child.

There are lots of adoptive parents out there who pick their potential child's traits off of a list. So much so that if you are white and you do not want to adopt minority children, the Illinois foster care system will kindly tell you not to apply. The same thing if you want a child under age 8. And if you specify that you do not want a special needs child of any kind (this includes sibling groups) they will tell you to apply but caution that rarely do children who have been through the foster care system get out unscathed. Its something we all have heard about foster care, but no one really thinks about deeply.

So though Jerry and I are in our 30s, we are a young couple and we have been busying ourselves assembling things that young couples do. Education, jobs, house (and dog that likes to binge and purge on halloween candy). We've built a nice life for ourselves but are we good enough people to be good parents to a 10 year old hispanic boy with learning disabilities and an emotional disorder? Wouldnt he be better off with a family that has some experience with parenting? What if I do not know enough and I screw up his life rather than make it better? Or is my best better than not being adopted at all and having to age out of the system? I just want the best for him, and for him to have a good life. But how do I know that is with me?